Army approves uniform modifications for Furries

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WASHINGTON — The US Army’s ongoing efforts to be more open and accepting has expanded this week to include another historically marginalized group: Furries. According to sources close to acting Army Secretary John McHugh, the Army will soon announce a set of uniform accommodations for these soldiers, who fetishize animal costumes.


“We are committed to allowing these people to follow their religion or their hearts or the voices in their fillings, or whatever the hell it is that drives them to dress and act this way,” said the source, who requested anonymity on the grounds that he didn’t want his name to show up in Google searches for Furries. “I mean, where the hell does it end?”

The accommodations follow a number of recent Army missteps regarding uniforms for Sikhs, hair for African Americans, and award patches for people who have done more than just show up for two years.

The sources say that full costumes will not be permitted on duty, but headpieces may be worn at all times.

McHugh wouldn’t comment directly on the changes, which will be announced next month, but did note, “If a man needs to put on $2,000 worth of theme park zebra costume in order to maintain an erection long enough to satisfy a woman who is baaing like Mary’s little lamb, who am I to judge?”

“It takes all types to fill this man’s — excuse me, this person’s — Army,” McHugh added.

Sgt. Maj. of the Army Dan Dailey says changes won’t stop with Furries.

“We are considering rules to allow female soldiers who are dominatrixes in their off hours to carry riding crops on duty,” Dailey said. “Shoe fetishists could actually get a new MOS, polishing shoes for other soldiers, as well as super high heeled, platform combat boots.”

“And we've already decided uniform tunics for MILFs will now come without top buttons.”


Dailey denied however that Bronies will soon be able to serve openly.

“You have to draw a line somewhere,” he said.

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