NEW YORK — An Army attempt to copy the success of the Navy’s Fleet Week has resulted in seven casualties, $82 million in lost business revenue, and a near war with Canada, sources report.

The senior service's first attempt to demonstrate the finest land warfare traditions through patriotic demonstrations such as foot patrols, L-shaped ambushes and artillery barrages, created riots, widespread panic and a short-lived gang coalition. Though announced in advance in The New York Times and WNYC, the displays were not met with the free drinks and thrown panties Fleet Week is known for.

“Fleet week has been a hugely successful way to build a relationship between New Yorkers and the maritime services while improving morale,” said Col. Terry Bradshaw, director of the Army Community relations program. “We got the program from the Navy and copied it exactly — with weapons, equipment displays, and of course, 5,000 service members walking around town and into schools and businesses. "

"We were really shocked how unfriendly the response was. I guess the cracker Jacks go a long way.”