THE PENTAGON — Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus admitted to reporters last week that the reason he’s made so many unpopular changes is because he “just hates the Navy.”
The remarks came during a press conference in which Mabus was defending his decision to name the newest Arleigh Burke-Class guided missile destroyer after retired Sen. Carl Levin, who has never served in the US military.
“Carl has given us years of dedicated work on the Armed Forces Committee. This ship will honor that legacy,” Mabus replied to a question about why the vessel wasn’t named after an actual sailor. When the reporter followed up and asked why Mabus has shown a controversial pattern of naming ships after non-military personnel, he started to laugh.
“You know what? I’m not going to play this game anymore,” he said. “I just really fucking hate the Navy! There, I said it.”
He continued, “I spent three years in dry dock back in the 70’s, and it was the worst experience of my life. The only reason I took this job was because President Obama bet me that I couldn’t destroy the morale of the entire Navy in less than 5 years. Now he owes me 100 bucks!”
Mabus began to pace back and forth on the stage, noting that he used the pretence of trying to bring the force onto a more progressive 21st century footing to do his work, ticking off points on his fingers.
“Women on submarines?” he asked. “Check. Politically correct renaming of the ranks, check. The USS Carl Levin? Carl is a buddy of mine and I forgot to get him a birthday present. Boom. Name on a ship. And it didn’t cost me a dime.”
The Secretary went on to describe how his favorite activity was throwing a dart at a large board filled with uniform ideas every three months, then forcing the service to add that item to the sea-bag.
“If that’s not bad enough, I actually made them wear water-colored uniforms,” he said in a voice one veteran reporter tweeted was “manic.”
“In the Navy! Can you believe that shit? Now if someone falls overboard it will actually be harder to find them. And the boot-licking admirals were so eager to please me that they approved it”
Mabus then smiled and lit a large cigar, and said it was “like a weight had been lifted” off his chest.
“And don’t get me started on the Marines,” he said. “You think I give a damn about women in the combat arms? But it felt so good to tell those generals to get bent. I wiped my ass with their scientific study before I threw it in the garbage.”
Mabus ended the conference by saying he’s considering making consumption of alcohol at any time a UCMJ offense, and adding “a purple top hat with 13 solid-gold buttons to the uniform list.”