JFK Special Warfare School preemptively changes name to Trump Yuuge Platinum Warrior Academy
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army will change the name of the John F. Kennedy Special Warfare Center and School (SWCS) on October 1, according to a US Army spokesman. The school, considered the world’s premier teacher of unconventional warfare, will officially become the Donald Trump Yuuuge Platinum Warrior Academy, or DT(YPW)A.
Col. (Promotable) Kyle Kinder explained that, “The rebranding is a sensible preemptive move, since the incoming president will inevitably continue his lifelong habit of naming everything after himself.”
“It’s going to happen anyway,” Kinder said. “This way we control a bit of the timeline and renaming on our own, and it also will probably make President Trump happy to know that we took the initiative and led the way.”
SWCS is the first military organization to change its name to that of the expected new President, but many more units are expected to follow suit. The 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault) has expressed interest in becoming the “1 Millionth Ultimate Trump Division (5 Carat Diamond Assault).” US Northern Command (USNORTHCOM) has started a working group whose top candidate for new designation is ”USTRUMPCOM.”
Reached for comment, President-To-Be-Elected Donald Trump expanded a bit on his previous statements on plans for the military.
“I love these guys, they’re great,” Trump said. “I hear really great things about them everywhere I go. We’re going to get lots of good females into the SOF units as well. We're gonna have the best gals. They'll be the best support troops. I love the ladies, don't want to see them hurt. They do a great job. I hire women all the time. They're really great.”
Trump took to Twitter to lay out his plans to have all small-busted female soldiers receive free breast implants through Tricare, the military’s medical insurance provider, because “nuttin’ says class like a yuuuge pair o' boobs.”
The renaming will not affect the DTYPWS training schedule. Classes will continue normally, with the only interruption being a renaming ceremony on October 1.
President-To-Be-Elected Trump has said he will attend, and would allow the outgoing President, whose name apparently is Obama, if you can believe it, to attend as well, “provided he can provide proof of citizenship.”
At press time, Trump had tweeted a photo of himself drinking the blood of a Cobra, with the caption “I love Green Berets!”
Duffel Blog reporter Jay and Editor-in-Chief Paul Sharpe contributed to this report.