FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. — The Army is set to announce the creation of a special commando unit, according to senior Pentagon sources. The “Joint Regional Kommando Suicide Skwad” or “JRKSS” will reduce over-reliance on Special Operations Forces in major combat operations around the world, while giving the Army a no-holds-barred option in black operations.

Sources say the initial roster includes: Nidal Hasan, code name “Professor Ex,” villainous mastermind of the 2009 Fort Hood shooting; Chelsea Manning, code name “Caitlyn,” disseminator of classified material and notorious bed wetter; and Robert Bales, code name “Whacko,” the team’s gruff, psychotic, loose cannon infamous for his “Kandahar Massacre” killing spree.

Bowe “The Navigator” Bergdahl was included among the original members but wandered off during a preliminary training exercise and was immediately promoted to E-8.

Sources close to the Chief of Staff say JRKSS “is a great way to develop expendable, covert assets to utilize during high-risk, black-ops missions throughout the world.”