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More than 2000 sailors on the USS Eisenhower request paternity leave

ARABIAN GULF – More than one-third of the USS Eisenhower’s crew has requested paternity leave, following the Navy’s announcement that one of its sailors gave birth to a healthy seven-pound baby girl while underway aboard the aircraft carrier, sources confirmed.

In what was an originally exciting, if not unexpected situation, the Eisenhower’s administration department has become “flooded with a deluge of paternity leave requests,” said Master Chief Yeoman Reginald “Reggie” Frank.

“It’s an admin nightmare, but I can’t blame these guys. The mother and baby were airlifted to Bahrain, so hell, that means two weeks shore leave in Manama, whether or not she’s actually your baby-mama,” Frank added.

According to other sources, the carrier has convened a panel of officers and senior enlisted to sort through the ream of paternity requests, in an attempt to determine the most probable candidate.

The panel was initially chaired by the carrier’s executive officer, Capt. Robert Camino, until he reportedly “fell ill” upon seeing a picture of the baby, and had to excuse himself. He was last overheard walking back to his cabin muttering, “oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.”

Although the odds of winning the “liberty lottery” — as the ship’s crew has come to call it — is incredibly slim, many sailors are still upbeat.

“That baby is totally mine, and I’m gonna crush Manama!” said Boatswain’s Mate 3rd Class Johnny Jones. “Her mom and I have been hooking up for like four months now. I can’t wait to get off this shit box!”

When asked whether or not he knew the human gestational period is, in fact, around nine months, Jones reportedly replied, “Huh? Yeah sure. Whatever.”

At press time, the Eisenhower Carrier Strike Group had reportedly changed its motto to: “Whether it’s bomb on ISIS, or babies in crisis, we deliver.”

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Member

Any wonder why women who are serving…ah..hmm….aboard ship should be placed on mandatory birth control?? Dear God are we letting people “register” as an opposite sex now? I’d hate to be in the Chiefs mess now, dear lord the drama would never end.

the_frumious_bandersnatch
Member
the_frumious_bandersnatch

Funny, the pretty-much-unanimous choice for a ship’s motto when I was stationed on that floating heap of rusty bolts was “Ike Bites.”

alexandramichel
Member

I understand satire, but I don’t appreciate the implication of the title that make a sailor as a boat whore. To all women who serve honorably. There is nothing funny about this headline. To belittle these women is to go against the values that every service is attempting to instill in its service members. Rude and disrespectful – satire or not.

the_frumious_bandersnatch
Member
the_frumious_bandersnatch

The author of the article is making fun of male sailors’ attempts by any means to get out of having to stay on board during deployment, not shipboard sexual shenanigans (real or imagined). As proof, I submit this passage:
…“Her mom and I have been hooking up for like four months now. I can’t wait to get off this shit box!”
When asked whether or not he knew the human gestational period is, in fact, around nine months, Jones reportedly replied, “Huh? Yeah sure. Whatever.”

Member

Be fair, Bandersnatch,the Duffelblog has indeed not lived up to its normal standards, since it fails to point out that of those 2000, 22 were obviously women, 5 were at least registered as women, 180 seem, according to the crew members knowing them, to suffer from a total lack of balls and 500 have been said to be homosexual, though some errors may have been made with those numbers…

Member

Hah you know I’m a pedantic old squid when I can’t get past the use of “USS Eisenhower” instead of “USS Dwight D. Eisenhower” even in a DB article.

wpDiscuz

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