ARABIAN GULF – More than one-third of the USS Eisenhower’s crew has requested paternity leave, following the Navy’s announcement that one of its sailors gave birth to a healthy seven-pound baby girl while underway aboard the aircraft carrier, sources confirmed.
In what was an originally exciting, if not unexpected situation, the Eisenhower’s administration department has become “flooded with a deluge of paternity leave requests,” said Master Chief Yeoman Reginald “Reggie” Frank.
“It’s an admin nightmare, but I can’t blame these guys. The mother and baby were airlifted to Bahrain, so hell, that means two weeks shore leave in Manama, whether or not she’s actually your baby-mama,” Frank added.
According to other sources, the carrier has convened a panel of officers and senior enlisted to sort through the ream of paternity requests, in an attempt to determine the most probable candidate.
The panel was initially chaired by the carrier’s executive officer, Capt. Robert Camino, until he reportedly “fell ill” upon seeing a picture of the baby, and had to excuse himself. He was last overheard walking back to his cabin muttering, “oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.”
Although the odds of winning the “liberty lottery” — as the ship’s crew has come to call it — is incredibly slim, many sailors are still upbeat.
“That baby is totally mine, and I’m gonna crush Manama!” said Boatswain’s Mate 3rd Class Johnny Jones. “Her mom and I have been hooking up for like four months now. I can’t wait to get off this shit box!”
When asked whether or not he knew the human gestational period is, in fact, around nine months, Jones reportedly replied, “Huh? Yeah sure. Whatever.”
At press time, the Eisenhower Carrier Strike Group had reportedly changed its motto to: “Whether it’s bomb on ISIS, or babies in crisis, we deliver.”