STERLING HEIGHTS, Mich. — Walgreens was significantly underbid on a Tricare prescription contract by metro Detroit drug dealer and amateur porn star Greg ‘Frog Dog’ Wilkins to the tune of $325 million, sources confirmed.
The shocking turn of events comes on the heels of TriCare’s jettison of incumbent drug provider CVS, which was dropped weeks ago for competitor Walgreens. However, TriCare spokesman Claudia Baker told media that Wilkins’ bid, which included a “first taste is free” program, was simply too good to pass up.
“The monumental savings is a boon for TriCare,” said Baker. “Additionally, Wilkins’ explicit yearly give-backs in the form of ‘side hustles’ and ‘protection fees’ were ‘delighters’ corporate conglomerates couldn’t even come close to.”
Wilkins also agreed to an easy, all-cash system, eliminating credit card and check processing costs completely, Baker added.
“TriCare will supply envelopes and postage, free of charge,” Baker said. “Which will ensure payments can be remitted to Wilkins, on-time, in completely untraceable, low-denomination non-sequential bills.”
Wilkins’ headquarters in his mother’s basement is already brimming with activity as he fills orders from TriCare facilities across the country.
“I got uppers, downers, vikings, Oxy – anything your Primary Care Provider wants,” said Wilkins through his thinly cracked front door. “Even coke. I can’t get you weed though.”
“You know. Schedule I and all.”
Walgreen CFO William Rudolph is still reeling from the about-face, but admitted that it is “near impossible” to compete with Wilkins’ prices and “dope swag.”
“We were completely blindsided by TriCare’s decision, but this choice,” Wilkins said, pausing for a moment. “Especially since it violated the company’s non-compete clause” — highlighting Wilkins’ by-name mention in the list of prohibited competitors.
Wilkins is not concerned in the slightest, however, as he claims it is merely a case of “mistaken identity” on the part of Walgreens.
“They got it all wrong, man. It must be that other Greg Wilkins,” said Wilkins, “you know, off 16 Mile? Near Meijer? He’s always up to no good.”
As part of the agreement, Wilkins is taking over all late fee and collection agency contracts, with the express agreement that he handles all collections for the duration of the contract.
“If people don’t want to pay, that’s cool. I’m sure we can make other arrangements. You feel me?” said Wilkins. “I’m not talking about harassing calls either.”
“I’m talking about filing a claim through the VA. Everyone knows that’s a death sentence, bro.”
Intrepid reporter Jay contributed to this report.