THE PENTAGON — The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is attempting to bring President Dwight D. Eisenhower back to life, sources familiar with the top secret plans say.

“Let’s be honest,” said Dr. Frank Stein, the head of DARPA’s reanimation directorate. “We haven’t had a decent President since Eisenhower. After Ike, it's either been them all getting us into endless wars or dipping their quills in every goddamn inkwell they can find.”

According to sources, the DOD has spent the past six months polling the military, and the overwhelming consensus of the troops is that the idea of either current major party candidate being the next Commander in Chief makes most in uniform “want to suck-start a shotgun.”