Army to become ‘Land Marines’ under Mattis, Dunford-led Pentagon reorganization

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WASHINGTON — A new plan for the US military set for 2017 shows that Defense Secretary-nominee James Mattis intends to work with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Joe Dunford to implement a major reorganization of the Department of Defense, Duffel Blog has learned.

The first change, according to documents obtained by Duffel Blog, will be to rename the Department of Defense to the “Department of Marines,” though that’s the least of the changes that were presented.


“The Army will be subsumed into the Marine Corps as the Land Marines,” the document reads. “Not everyone needs to specialize in amphibious assault. But by God, every one of them will be a rifleman. Also, incorporating former Army infantry units intact will allow us to meet congressional mandates for female combat troops.”

The Navy will be reorganized as “Water Marines/Maritime Uber.” A footnote suggests the naval service’s budget will be based on a “metered rate” that will be a function of “how many rides” Maritime Uber “gives the Marines to combat zones and liberty ports.”

The documents go on to say that while most of the Air Force will become the Air Marines, a portion “will continue as a separate department,” but will be renamed Missile Command, “because missiles are not manly enough for the Marine Corps.”

“It’s like they are compensating for something,” an anonymous source said, holding his forefinger and thumb a very short distance apart.

Beyond the service name changes, all former soldiers, sailors, and airmen will be required to go through “additional training in line with standards at Marine Corps boot camp.” The training would include close order drill, longer ranges for rifle qualification, and “four to six weeks of scrubbing toilets and showers like recruits do at Parris Island and San Diego.” Commissioned officers will be required to attend The Basic School, and warrant officers will have to undergo extensive written tests to determine whether they actually contribute to the military or they are totally worthless.

“These actions will guarantee that no one will ever hear that stupid ‘hooah’ crap again,” one document says, noting, “‘Hooah is to ‘oorah’ as ‘brigade combat team’ is to ‘air-ground task force.’”

The plan concludes on a positive note for at least one service.

“The Coast Guard will be elevated” to a level equivalent to the former Joint Chiefs of Staff, and removed from Homeland Security, “because, like the Marines were before this reorganization, they are small but badass.”