COLUMBUS, Ohio — A massive crowd gathered outside of the home of American demi-God John Glenn to celebrate his ascension back to Olympus early this morning.
Flowers, love letters, and various animal sacrifices littered the ground for acres around a shrine hastily assembled by his most devoted acolytes.
Glenn, who came to earth in human form on July 18, 1921, influenced every aspect of the political, social, and religious fabric of the country where he’d chosen to reside.
In order to learn more about the society he’d taken under his protection, Glenn decided to study engineering at Muskingum College, though he left the school before his senior year after earning his pilot’s license. Witnesses said he complained constantly about the human body’s primitive need to walk, and longed for the day when we could again “tear ass across the universe.”
Despite his frustrations, Glenn chose to remain on Earth, and after his adopted homeland was attacked by the Japanese in 1941, he joined the Marine Corps as a fighter pilot. During that time he met and married Anna Margaret Castor, the only human woman worthy of his divine presence.
During World War II, Glenn flew 59 combat missions before he grew tired of slaying his country’s heathen enemies and transferred to a base in Maryland. Near the conclusion of the war he humbly turned down the offer of Marine Corps Commandant, instead accepting a promotion to captain.
Glenn later served an exchange tour in the newly formed US Air Force, telling friends that being a jet fighter pilot was the closest he could get to “his old job.” When America entered the Korean conflict he once again took to the skies, regularly mocking death by flying his F-9 Panther interceptor so close to enemy anti-aircraft batteries that his wing-mates called him “magnet ass” for the amount of flak regularly found in his aircraft after missions. Glenn later confessed that he just enjoyed the sound it made.
During the war one of his wingmen was Ted Williams, a clumsy, awkward man whom Glenn took a liking to. Shortly before returning to the U.S., he gifted his friend with strength, reflexes, and a perfect understanding of the human game known as baseball.
After spending time in the States, Glenn longed to return to the skies, and informed the Air Force he would be going back to Korea to smite his enemies, this time in an F-86 Sabre. While Glenn is not officially credited with the ceasefire, senior Air Force officials admit it was no coincidence that the agreement was signed shortly after he shot down three enemy aircraft in a single pass and flew to Pyongyang just to “see what was over there.”
Always frustrated by the slowness of human transportation methods, Glenn stayed in the Air Force to remain at the cutting edge of flight research, completing the first supersonic transcontinental flight on July 16, 1957 in 3 hrs and 23 minutes. Although many residents of his hometown claim they heard a sonic boom as he passed overheard, Glenn had only farted. Witnesses also stated that when he landed in New York, Glenn began to kick the aircraft fuselage, cursing its slowness.
In 1958, after declaring his disgust with the limitations of earthly flight, Glenn told the newly formed NASA that he would be joining their program. After a rigorous four-year training program designed to make the public think he hadn’t already been chosen over 500 other applicants the day he arrived, John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth. When he returned, Glenn spent the next several months gracing world leaders with meetings to receive their pledges of allegiance.
After growing tired of his aviation career and the demands of greatness, Glenn told Congress he would be joining them as a Senator from Ohio. Despite a storied political career spanning almost three decades, even the demi-God was unable to fix American politics, and in 1998 he resigned in disgust.
At the end of his political career, Glenn informed President Clinton that he would take his 77 year-old body back into space. The mission was approved immediately.
Days into the flight Glenn became sullen and quiet as he stared out the front window, and was later found muttering near the airlock, shouting for more time. Immediately afterward the other astronauts reported hearing a loud boom, the source of which couldn’t be found or explained by mission control.
Now, 18 years later, Glenn has finally gone home.
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