CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — After hearing about the despicable nude photo sharing being conducted through a private Facebook group called “Marines United,” highly-respected Marine company commander Capt. Christian Stone immediately threw his government workstation to the ground and crushed it to a pulp in a fit of rage, sources confirmed today.
“I just can’t believe Marines would do something so disgusting,” Stone told reporters after a rampage, in which he also destroyed his iPhone, home computer, the company XO’s personal laptop, and a random workstation at the base library.
“I’ve already started administrative action against all of the privates and lance corporals in the company.”
Stone is adamant that the issue be addressed swiftly.
“We must keep the focus on those responsible for this incident, which is of course only enlisted Marines and maybe some idiot lieutenants,” Stone commented. “Once we’ve thoroughly destroyed them, we should immediately move on. Let’s not get distracted by starting a witch hunt for anyone else, especially not those in command who are too proud and busy to enjoy and allow this kind of depraved sexual misconduct.”
According to sources, investigators have assured Stone that the group’s membership and activity would be a starting point for their search of those responsible.
“That’s great!” Stone said. “I just hope none of those perverted Marines logged into my Facebook account to share and download nude photos of their peers over the last year that they’ve repeatedly been using all of my computers and phones.”
“Boy, that would be hard to explain,” he added.
With Marines United having a group membership of roughly 30,000, critics believe the scandal may represent a much larger and more systemic tolerance and cultivation of sexual abuse against female service-members than Marine Corps leaders are willing to admit.
“It’s definitely not the leaders, so no need to check them,” said Stone. “But even if it were, we’d have to take into account their service, and the impact on my family and career. I mean, their families and careers.”