ISIS threatens to ‘release the Kraken’ in new video

20,821

RAQQA, Syria — Amid a rapidly-deteriorating military situation on all fronts, the self-proclaimed Islamic State has released a new video threatening to “release the kraken” against its enemies, sources confirmed today.

The video, simultaneously released on social media and the group’s own media platforms, seemed to confirm terrorism analysts’ theory that the group’s ability to deliver unique and rhetorically effective threats is under strain.

“Back when the Islamic State first declared their caliphate, it was all ‘lay waste to the apostate hordes wherever their iniquities are sown,’ and ‘salt the earth with the tears of the Crusaders,’” terrorism analyst Robert Wright said. “Real time honored, fire-and-brimstone stuff.”

Wright explained that Islamic State’s declining battlefield fortunes have made apparent their growing shortages of traditional rhetoric. He recalled that this was first indicated by the group’s June 2016 New Jack City-inspired threat to Vladimir Putin that he “get his five-dollar ass out of Syria before we make change.”

“Now, New Jack City is a crime classic, so while that one was definitely a red flag for us, it didn’t yet prove the growing hypothesis that the Islamic State’s trash-talking game was running out of steam.”

However, that threat was followed two months later by another in which ISIS leader Omar al-Baghdadi boasted that he would “take Michelle Obama out for a nice halal dinner and never call her again.”

According to Wright, the Anchorman diss was when most experts really started paying attention. “But this latest threat to ‘release the kraken’ — they’re really grasping at pop-culture straws now,” he added, referring to the group’s reference to the critically panned 2010 film Clash of the Titans.

“‘The Zionist dogs will feel the vengeful wrath of every tentacle of the Prophet’s briney beast’? I mean, that part wasn’t even in the movie.”