Sean Spicer begs Navy Reserve for multi-year deployment to anywhere remote

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WASHINGTON — For at least the past three months, Navy Reserve Commander and current White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has been desperately begging his chain of command to activate him on multi-year-long orders “to anywhere remote,” Duffel Blog has learned.

“Admiral, I just want to reassure you that my desire to be immediately deployed is not in any way an attempt to escape any personal or professional issues I may or may not be currently experiencing. I simply love the Navy and want to support the mission,” Spicer wrote one of his top officers in an email leaked to reporters. “By the way, if there’s nothing available in Djibouti, I’ll take Wake Island, Diego Garcia, wherever. Also, I’ve heard that there’s pretty limited communications to and from a submerged ballistic missile submarine. Are there any PAO billets on those?”

One source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said “It’s not just that [Spicer] begs the chain of command to deploy him, but we’re pretty sure he is the first naval reservist in history who actually looks forward to drill weekend.”

“He loves it,” the source added. “Even though he mostly spends the time in his office loudly and openly weeping.”

At the Pentagon, where Spicer currently drills as a member of the Joint Staff, he’s been spotted wistfully staring out windows in the food court, and munching away on Market Basket sandwiches, during what some have described as “three to four hour lunches with any member of the staff that has any sway over his deployment status.”

Another source familiar with the matter said Spicer was recently overheard asking his fellow reservists, “Hey guys, when you were deployed, did AFN broadcast SNL? No, right?”

When reached for comment, a spokesman for the office of the Chief of Navy Reserve confirmed that Spicer had requested activation and deployment, but reiterated that it has nothing to do with anything other than a commitment to the Navy.

“As a Navy PAO, Cmdr. Spicer simply wants to do his duty, and looks forward to dealing with more normal public relations issues like massive cost overruns, mysterious sailor deaths, barracks rape, drunken commanding officers running billion dollar ships aground, and war crimes.”