Trump appoints French immigrant Vladimierre Poutin as new FBI Director

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WASHINGTON — Following President Trump’s abrupt dismissal of FBI Director James Comey, a relatively little-known French immigrant named Vladimierre Poutin has been appointed as his replacement, sources say.

The new appointment is a welcome salve in the wake of mass media panic over what many considered a gross abuse of executive power. Although never publicly confirmed, it was believed that Comey and the FBI were deep into an investigation of ties between the Trump administration and Russia, which, according to Poutin, “probably had nothing at all to do with [Comey] being fired.”

Poutin, a French-born American who was naturalized in mid-2015, had a broad and diverse career in law enforcement. Though there don’t appear to be any official records of his employment by the French government, some glued-together magazine clippings indicate that Mr. Poutine worked for the “Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti,” which is translated from French in his resume as “League of Democratic Justice.”

The appointment is expected to be quickly confirmed by Congress, though Poutin has already begun work. His first act as FBI Director was to dissolve any and all pending investigations into Trump administration connections to the Russian government, which Poutin told reporters were “mindless wastes of vreminya — I mean, time.”

Further changes around the Bureau include replacing most VOIP phones with sleek new red ones, installing small succulent plants in every office of the Pentagon, and invading western Ukraine.

Comey, whose career spanned over 30 years in various legal and law enforcement positions within the U.S. government, had little to say about his replacement.

“Seems like a nice guy, I guess,” Comey told reporters in a brief interview. “Gosh, he looks familiar though. I think he reminds me of this guy I once played racquetball with. But I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

Though relations with France have been hot and cold since 9/11, Americans in general don’t seem to be concerned with having a French immigrant as the new FBI director. With the recent election of Emmanuel Macron, a staunchly anti-Trump figure, as president of France, many have been put at ease regarding a lack of trust between the Trump administration and the FBI.

In his first public interview after his appointment, Poutin seemed confident he would be able to fill Comey’s shoes. One reporter, who seemed skeptical, asked whether or not he thought he knew enough incredibly intimate, potentially classified details about Washington’s inner workings to be competent at his job.

“Pravda,” Poutin said, which is French for “yes.”