We got drunk with Jim Mattis. Here’s what he told us.

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Dick Scuttlebutt is Duffel Blog’s Roving Mattis Correspondent. He has degrees in Mattisology, Mattisonomy, and Chaos Theory from East Dickhole State University. Go Manticores!

Duffel Blog recently sat down for its first exclusive interview with James Mattis since he assumed his current role as Secretary of Defense.

Our editor B. Gordon Willard made the enormous mistake of allowing us to pick up Mattis’ meal on the corporate credit card. After buying two t-shirts, the entire Blu-Ray run of Samurai Jack, and Switzerland, we took Mattis out for a casual, low-threat interview.

The drinks: Shiner, followed by Laphroig. “Chaos” was about four deep when we left the deli for the cigar shop, and after that, he was drinking pure Irish seaweed whiskey.

Unfortunately, the interview was so disjointed that it could not be transcribed in full. However, we decided to publish the most interesting tidbits.

Here’s what Mattis told us:

“When Trump asked me to be SecDef, I told him, only if I get to wear a WWE championship belt everywhere I go. I had to win it in a cage match first, though. I did that, in Milwaukee, on March 5th of 2017.”

“My best friend is the King of Jordan. We go falconing pretty often. He can falcon like crazy. He falcons the shit out of stuff. Also we fly to Montenegro every month or so and drink fernet by the gallon and plow European politicians’ unsatisfied wives.”

“Did I tell you about the time I went skeet shooting with priceless works of art? The Mona Lisa. I shot that shit out of the air with a FN TPS. Van Gogh’s “Sunflowers” I shot with a Benelli. The last verified remaining piece of the One True Cross? My buddy the king shot it with a Remington 2700.”

jim mattis“We also like to exterminate the last remaining specimens of endangered species. It’s kind of a rich-people pastime. So far I’ve wiped out the last remnants of a species of northern California turtle, a grouse native to Italy, and several variants of goblin shark. Bill Clinton thinks he’s such a badass ‘cause he’s wiped out eleven species to my five, but if you check into it, seven of his were, like, sea urchins. I don’t think those should even count.”

“I keep [former Defense Secretary’s] Panetta’s toupee in a jar of formaldehyde.”

“I have a theory: the last war we won, hands-down, we allowed our troops to fuck, marry, and bring home the local women. You want to win a war? Let your troops fuck the locals. So, unless I’m fired or quit, before I leave, our new policy will be, fuck as many of the local girls as you can.”

“Corollary to the above: you should also drink a shitload of the local liquor. Fuck General Order Number One. I’m going to end that shit, rikki fucking tick.”

“Also you’re soon going to be allowed to collect war trophies again. Seize a Dragunov sniper rifle from an insurgent cache? Guess what: you get to ship it home and keep it.”

“I sign the [Secretary of Defense Operations Book] in the blood of virgin privates. You think I’m kidding?”

“I’m never not wearing RangerUp shit underneath my suit.”

“What do I think of Comey? Let me put it this way. He’s the Mario van Peebles of the Obama administration.”

“What do I think of Rumsfeld? Let me put it this way. I know he had a plan for Phase Four, because I was fucking there, and I saw it. But I don’t buy his excuse that his wife cleaned out his closet and after that he couldn’t find it.”

“Gen. Cardon came to me recently, even though he’s no longer at Cyber Command, and asked why we can’t allow programmers and civilians who will never deploy or take a PFT to smoke weed. We could recruit so many amazing programmers, he said, if we just let those people smoke a bit of dope. You know what I told him? Tits. Tits, man. Tits as fuck. But: then the Joint Chiefs threatened to mutiny en masse if we allowed anybody to smoke dope, or have a beard, or, you know, smile. I have to confess: I could have just cut all their throats. I had a plan! But I didn’t want the hassle. Every time I murder someone I have to fill out some forms.”

Yes, it’s true, I have a 7,000 volume library that I travel around with, a la General Howe. But: almost five thousand of those volumes are multiple copies of books by Neal Asher, Larry Correia, Tom Kratman, John Ringo, and Tim Powers. I loves me some Drawing of the Dark. What red-blooded American wouldn’t love a book about the Christian God giving magical beer to the good guys to help them win the Siege of Vienna?

Also Path of the Fury.”