Army

Opinion: The Army Gave Me Drugs And It Was The Best Day Of My Life

So I had surgery this week. Nothing crazy, but enough to put me on some serious medication for a while. Let me tell you, greatest day of my life man. I fucking love the Army. These big old pills for pain, then some others to help me sleep well. I guess those are for when [...]

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Staff Sergeant Scared Shitless of ‘Mission Command’

by da kine

FT LEE, VA — Friends and peers of Staff Sergeant Scott Austin, a water purification specialist currently stationed at Fort Lee, VA, have informed The Duffel Blog that he is absolutely “scared shitless” of the Army’s new Mission Command philosophy. Mission Command, derived from the German Auftragstaktik concept, is the United States Army’s newest obsession and a clear [...]

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Army Says Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

by ArmyJ

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Secretary of the Army has announced the service will soon reinstitute corporal punishment in order to improve soldiers’ morale, which recent studies show is at an all-time low. In a new report, Secretary John McHugh highlights a number of punishment methods he claims will “get the Army on track.” While the full [...]

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Army Determined To Eliminate All Operational Memory Of War On Terror

by Tony

ARLINGTON, VA — The Department of the Army announced Wednesday they are determined to eliminate all operational memory from more than a decade of fighting the Global War on Terror. Secretary of the Army John McHugh made it clear that these kind of cuts were necessary in the post-Afghanistan Army, despite having troops deployed in [...]

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Soldiers Re-Invade Germany By Mistake, Reignite WWII

by Bravo

GRAFENWÖHR, GERMANY – During a training deployment to the Grafenwöhr Training Area, a U.S. Army unit mistakenly invaded Germany, effectively re-igniting World War II, according to a spokesman for 7th Army Headquarters. A platoon of soldiers from 1st Infantry Division was conducting training on one of the outlying western ranges when the professional opposing force staged [...]

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Solder Re-Classes To Cav Just So He Can Recite Lines From ‘Apocalypse Now’

by ArmyJ

KILLEEN, TX — The Army’s 1st Cavalry Division has been under fire in recent years, with soldiers claiming their obsession with obsolete uniform items — Stetson cowboy hats and spurs without rowels — make them stand out in addition to being the target of countless jokes from other service members. More recently, the enormous and expensive [...]

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You Know What? Screw It, Everyone’s Gonna Wear Three Reflective Belts At All Times

by Paul

The following is an opinion piece by Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond F. Chandler III. You know what soldiers? I’m sick and tired of this crap. You want to keep complaining about having to wear reflective belts? You don’t like that you have to wear the thing in Afghanistan in the middle of a [...]

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Public Affairs Officials Seek To Reduce Incidents Of Combat Photobombing

by Bravo

FORT LEE, VA – The deputy commander of the Army’s Public Affairs Office is seeking assistance from leaders of major Army commands in reducing instances of “photobombing,” which renders combat photographs unusable, and often makes the public relations war unwinnable. “Our job is to get out there and capture real-world moments in combat, so that we can [...]

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