Duffel Blog Staff

Sailor won't shut the fuck up about being in 'pearl harbor' for three seconds

USS WALTER MONDALE — Aviation Ordnanceman Chief Zachary Hendricks has enjoyed a successful career in the United States Navy. He has seen multiple combat deployments, been Recruiter of the Year at

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Army teams up with whole foods to offer non-GMO soldiers

FORT BENNING — In response to the growing criticisms surrounding Genetically Modified Organisms (GMOs), the Army has teamed up with long-time sustainability champion Whole Foods to offer organic, Non-GMO

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Following top secret leak, David Petraeus reinstated as CIA director, given backpay

WASHINGTON — David Petraeus has been reinstated as CIA Director and given $2.2 million in backpay following new legislation that decriminalizes the leak of top secret information, as long as

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Marine comes out to father as POG

BRYAN, Texas — Highly decorated military veteran Douglas Martin got the shock of a lifetime Sunday when his son, Lance Cpl. Shane Martin, came out of the closet as a POG.

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Sir, somebody called for you and it’s urgent you call back. No, I Don’t remember their name, rank, or why they called

YOUR ORDERLY ROOM — Sir! I’m glad you’re back. While you were out, there was an important phone call for you. It’s vital that you call them back

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Army recognizes dedicated soldier as meat gazer of the year

JOINT BASE MYER-HENDERSON HALL, Va. — Sgt. Maj. of the Army Daniel A. Dailey recognized Sgt. James McBray of 1st Brigade, 10th Mountain Division, as the 2015 Meat Gazer of

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Out-of-regs staff Sgt. Convinces Marine privates he's with delta

SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. — Four Marine privates completely "lost their shit" this weekend when they met who they believed was a member of the U.S. Army's

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Veterans in VA waiting room accidentally form therapy group

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Veterans are experiencing improved mental health, better coping skills, and a generally increased sense of well-being, thanks to a therapy group that has formed during the

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Taliban kicks off spring offensive with bake sale

Ghazni Province — The Taliban of Naw Abad Village announced its annual Spring Offensive and Bake Sale, alerting locals to brace themselves for errant RPG fire and an onslaught of delicious

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Gen. Dempsey says Iraq 'not strategically significant'

THE PENTAGON — Following outrage from Gold Star families over his comments on Ramadi, Iraq, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Martin Dempsey clarified his remarks in a press conference by

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Pfc. with huge boobs, three bronze stars, says they’re real

FORT JACKSON, S.C. — Pfc. Tiffany DeAndress, a dental hygienist with Charlie Med, 303rd Personnel Services Battalion, has an impressive rack, friends say. And her friends also tell Duffel Blog

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Coast Guard defends baltimore's inner harbor hard rock Cafe

BALTIMORE, Md. — Nearly 300 Coast Guard personnel mobilized from USCG Base Portsmouth, Va. early Thursday and vowed to "valiantly defend" Baltimore's Inner Harbor Hard Rock Cafe

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

New battle command network offers unprecedented Micromanagement opportunities

FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. — The U.S. Army unveiled its latest digital command and control system, allowing commanders at higher echelons to make decisions at increasingly lower levels of responsibility. "

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Study: Use of military jargon validates pathetic existence

PHILADELPHIA — A new study from the Wharton School of Business confirmed what millions of employees around the world have known for decades: injecting military jargon and metaphors into your normal

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

NSA overturns court's overturning of surveillance program ruling

WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented shift in legal proceedings, the NSA has overturned the US Court of Appeals' decision that the mass collection of telephone metadata is illegal, Duffel Blog

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Militants unhappy recruit got ‘ariel’ on ‘which Disney princess are you?’ quiz

MOGADISHU, Somalia – Expressing "genuine, head-scratching befuddlement," a spokesman for Harakat al-Shabaab al-Mujahadeen (Al-Shabaab) confirmed today that new recruit Ali Abu Kasam most identifies with

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Baltimore unrest tied to Saudi-Iranian proxy wars

BALTIMORE, Md. – As unrest continues in the city of Baltimore, security experts are now saying the city has become yet another front in the growing proxy wars between the Middle

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Air Force permits atheists to mentally omit 'God' during forced prayers

WASHINGTON — Following increased public criticism of the Air Force’s controversial religious policies, the Air Force's Special Panel on Religious Freedom has announced a brand new amendment to

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

New Navy 'battle stations' simulates PowerPoint, trash sorting

NAVAL STATION GREAT LAKES, Ill. — Battle Stations, the grueling 12-hour simulation that all enlisted members of the United States Navy must complete before graduating recruit training, is undergoing a

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

ISIS grudgingly admits half its 71 soldiers in US already married, more than $50K in debt

RAQQA, SYRIA — Despite the aspiring global caliphate’s best efforts to keep its militants disciplined and focused solely on worldwide jihad, the Islamic State admitted today that nearly half of

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Conservatives invited to a weekend of burning shit for just $50k

DETROIT — Following conservative PAC ForAmerica's sellout of their “Special Weekend with Robert O’Neill, the Man who Shot Osama bin Laden” event, top contributors who responded too late

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Females complain after administration MOS opened to males

WASHINGTON – An influential group of female military officers and congresswomen have sent a formal letter of protest to the Defense Department over its plan to open up administration-related jobs

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Fat sailor claims he’s overweight because he just eats too much

BANGOR, Wash. – In a pathetic profession of self-righteous delusion, sources confirmed today that Logistics Specialist 1st Class Gary Thomas claimed he is overweight because he simply “eats too much.

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Army plans 'dad bod' physical standards for males with dependents

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army is running a pilot program testing modified physical fitness and body composition standards for men of any age with dependents. “In past decades we’

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Odierno mandates bigger name tape so he doesn’t have to get new glasses

WASHINGTON — Claiming he is “sick of this goddam presbyopia” and asserting “it’s finally time to do something about it,” Army Chief of Staff Raymond Odierno today ordered everyone in

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

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