Nerd Intel officer won’t store top secret documents outside SCIF

JOINT BASE LANGELY-EUSTIS, Va. — According to multiple cool sources, total nerd 1st Lt. Travis Lyons is such a loser that he refuses to store top secret documents anywhere but in a Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility. Although the SCIF (also referred to as “Dork Town”) is technically the only place that top secret intelligence is authorized to be stored, I mean, come on, dude.