Oh no! The LT thinks he’s mentoring you
The passage of time is but a cruel fiction; there is nothing but pain for you now
EVERY MILITARY INSTALLATION – Multiple sources have confirmed that your morning has been completely shot to hell. What appeared at first to be a friendly conversation about future goals morphed into a grueling verbal slog that will certainly last until at least lunchtime, as it’s clear the newly promoted 1st Lt. thinks he’s mentoring you.
“This wasn’t an accident,” said SSgt. Brian Conner, who sits at the desk next to you. “[1st Lt. Michael] Raynes scoped out the area last night after I saw him type out an agenda. He even asked me if I knew when [you] were coming in today.”
The premeditated ambush started in the break room as you toasted a pop tart and waited for the coffee maker to piss out what passes for coffee. Raynes made a joke about how they had splurged on Maxwell House, calling it “the good stuff.” Although this did set off the normal red flag that the LT was trying to connect with you, your inadequate caffeine intake slowed your fight-or-flight response.
“Where the hell was [your] wingman, anyway?” asked your supervisor, SSgt. Shelly Ortega, to your coworkers. “This is what happens when we don’t look out for each other.” She then pretended to not notice your predicament since she wasn’t about to lose her morning trying to extract you.
“It’s about survival now,” she quipped.
The entire office reported listening in horror as LT drew on his experiences in ROTC to try and establish a rapport with you. Evidently mistaking the glassy-eyed stare you adopted as you silently retreated to your mental safe space as consent, he then launched into a series of awkward mentorship questions, such as “How do you see yourself advancing our unit goals,” “How would you feel if we changed your rater to me instead of SSgt. Ortega,” and “Did you know volunteering to help organize the Dining In is a great bullet point for your performance evaluation?”
The pointless and demeaning debacle, although seemingly infinite in duration, nonetheless abruptly ended when a recently promoted Maj. Pastiche stopped by and asked the LT when he was going to restock the snack bar.
“I’ll head to the exchange now, sir!” answered Raynes.
“Let’s follow up on this next week,” he said as he left you drained and defeated. “Hey, good talk!”
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Bravely writes made-up news and stories for the Interesting Times Harold (https://interestingtimesharold.substack.com/)