VA benefits reduced to 9mm and bottle of bourbon

WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon.

“If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “The 9 mil is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.”

Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion, the VA represents a significant burden on taxpayers. He argued that a one-time allotment of a 750ml bottle of American-made bourbon and a loaded handgun would be far more cost-effective than decades of disability claims, medical care, or follow-up services.

“Plus, it’s a great way to offload all the bourbon the U.S. can’t sell to Canada because of the trade war,” Collins added, nodding as if he had solved several unrelated problems at once.

Despite the already “robust” proposal, some stakeholders believe veterans deserve more.

The CEO of an American bourbon company, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern about the reduction.

“I’m a veteran myself, and I think the men and women who serve this country deserve at least two, maybe even three bottles of American bourbon,” he said while frantically Googling whether he should remove all photos of himself from the internet. “I don’t have a dog in this fight — other than our mid-shelf bourbon, Bison Path, and, uh, our top-shelf bourbon, Hawk Obscure.”

The CEO paused as his personal assistant whispered into his ear.

“Oh yeah, we’re not just giving away Slanton’s,” he said, laughing nervously. “That stuff is $140 on a good day, and don’t even get me started on Rip Van Winkle. I can’t even get my hands on that, and I run the place.”

The executive declined to clarify whether his company had received a VA contract or whether such a contract legally exists.

This CEO did not clarify if his company had been awarded the VA contract or if it was even in the running for such a task. This prompted Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to weigh in, citing his two core competencies: warfighting and drinking. 

“I don’t know why this guy is even yapping,” Hegseth said. “Who needs fancy bourbon? Six bottles a day of Evan Williams and a couple packs of Hot Pockets got me through two divorces and four-ish kids while still leaving enough cash for alimony.”

Hegseth then excused himself to text the precise location of U.S. submarines to his personal trainer, Lars, and the editor of Soldier of Fortune magazine, for reasons that remain unclear.

While the VA’s benefit reduction is expected to save taxpayers billions over the next four years, officials say implementation details are still being worked out. In the meantime, veterans appear to have little difficulty obtaining alcohol or firearms without federal assistance.