This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
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Page 35 of 178
PSYOPs officer told to cut hair, dies
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The entire Psychological Operations Regiment mourned today, as Capt. Robert Rivera was forced to receive a wicked haircut within military standards, resulting in Rivera's
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Military returns early from Afghanistan, catches America cheating
’MURICA — The entire U.S. military returned home from Afghanistan this week, intending to give America a poignant, joyful surprise reunion. Instead, it caught America in bed with someone else.
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Happy birthday, coast Guar—Oh crap, that was two months ago?!
WASHINGTON — Happy birthday, Coast Guard! Semper paramus, you magnificent puddle pirates! We love you guys. We do. We're so happy to—wait, what? Crap. Look. We totally had
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We forced a bot to watch 20,000 hours of Sgt Maj academy courses. It committed suicide.
FORT SILL, Okla. — In the first documented case of artificial intelligence committing suicide, a "predictive keyboard" self-destructed yesterday after Defense Advanced Research Project Agency (DARPA) scientists forced
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Guy in UCMJ brief asking a lot of questions about age of consent
FORT REDACTED, Ga. — The weird guy in your unit is asking a lot of questions about age of consent, sources report. Near the end of a three hour brief everyone
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General not allowed to take emotional support mistress on deployment
JOINT BASE SAN ANTONIO, Texas – A heartbreaking scene unfolded today at an Air Mobility Command terminal when staff told a general he would not be able to deploy with his
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Houthi rebels audition to be America’s next quagmire
SANA’AH, Yemen — Hussein Muhammad al-Houthi, a mid-level ground commander for the Ansar Allah, smiles enthusiastically as he enjoys tea with his trusted lieutenants in a ramshackle shop
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Army feeling cute, may change its uniforms again
WASHINGTON — The Army posted a photo to Instagram today with the caption “Feeling cute, may change the Army uniform later, IDK.” The Air Force and Coast Guard both totally liked
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Red power Ranger admits he never went to Ranger school
ANGEL GROVE, Calif. — For years, Jason Lee Scott, better known as the Red Power Ranger, has lived a life of lies and stolen valor on a hitherto unprecedented level. But
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Inexplicable: Marine shaved every day but still violated geneva convention
BAHRAIN — In an attack that has his entire chain of command scratching its heads, Marine Sgt. Cliff Smith committed a heinous war crime despite the fact that he shaved everyday.
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Minot AFB airmen take the Tetris challenge with all the equipment they lost this year
MINOT AFB, N.D. — Air Force leaders are applauding a group of airmen for using the popular “Tetris Challenge” to show how much shit enterprising security police forces can lose
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Pentagon recalls Dunford over transition binder full of dicks
THE PENTAGON — General Mark A. Milley, new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has filed a formal grievance after discovering the outgoing chairman left him a book full of
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Four-star general gets only one star on yelp
WASHINGTON — Throwing the Pentagon into a frenzy this morning, sources say local four-star general Everett Thomas had only attained a one-star rating on user review app Yelp. Based
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Drug cartels launch ‘Don't open the hatch!’ safety stand down
SAN ANDRES ISLAND, Colombia — After the U.S. Coast Guard released dramatic video of the capture of a drug-smuggling semi-submersible in the Eastern Pacific, drug cartels have imposed
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Awesome! This law allows vets with no family to pick someone to be buried with them
WASHINGTON — It is humbling to see total strangers attend the funerals of veterans’ who don't have any family, but lawmakers are going the extra mile to avoid that
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Pentagon reveals that cats push objects off tables to make most defense decisions
WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials have quietly confirmed what military personnel have long suspected: Most critical defense-related decisions are made by cats pushing random objects off tables. The power of cats
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Heartwarming! Airman surprises girlfriend by returning early from 8-hour shift
RANDOLPH AFB, Texas — Across America, patriotic hearts beat proudly for our men and women in uniform. And in the age of the internet, everyday citizens can get the warm-and-
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OPINION: Only snowflake families demand safe, explosion-free housing
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Guantanamo prisoners to receive social security benefits
GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba – After nearly 20 years in the custody of U.S. Forces, Taliban leader Ahmed Yusef Umar is looking forward to the next chapter in his life of
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Tekashi 6ix9ine named as whistleblower on Trump-Ukraine
WASHINGTON — The White House search to identify a CIA whistleblower linked to the current Trump-Ukraine-Biden scandal has taken a surprising twist. Rapper Daniel Hernandez, aka Tekashi 6ix9ine, has
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Retired Gen. Dunford looks forward to being hired, fired as SecDef
THE PENTAGON — Former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joe Dunford recently retired after 42 years of military service, but he won't be putting the Pentagon
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Sgt. Maj. fired after failing to caveat off what the commander said
FORT DRUM, N.Y. – The senior enlisted leader of the 10th Mountain Division’s 1st Brigade Combat Team has been relieved after soldiers raised disturbing concerns about his conduct in
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Army to discuss swag-bag strategy at AUSA conference
WASHINGTON — The Association of the United States Army (AUSA) describes their annual meeting as the largest landpower exposition and professional development forum in North America. While tens of thousands of
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U.S. Tells Kurds it’s just going out for a pack of cigarettes
NORTHERN SYRIA — Kurdish fighters of the Syrian Democratic Forces, or SDF, are still waiting anxiously for the U.S. to return after it left on Monday, saying it was “going
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Commander relieved for filling out readiness report on lethality form
CAMP SHELBY, Miss. — In a bold act of incompetence, Army Capt. Justin Bergstrom was relieved for turning in his readiness report on a lethality form last Tuesday. “This is a
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