This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
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Womack Army medical center’s infant mortality rate inches above Afghanistan’s
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Womack Army Medical Center, commonly referred to as Hell’s Hospital, finally surpassed Afghanistan’s infant mortality rate. The rate improved dramatically once Hell decided to
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Space Force trainees excited to explore weightless masturbation
WASHINGTON — Volunteers for the U.S. Space Force (USSF) have been overwhelmed with a hyperactive desire to know exactly what will happen when they finally get the chance to enthusiastically
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Trump wants Eddie Gallagher 'to do that watermelon-smash thing' at White House
WASHINGTON — According to Pentagon officials, President Donald Trump continued to express his unwavering support for controversial Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher today by inviting him to "do that watermelon smashing
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Military working dog fears immigrants are taking his job
SAN ANTONIO, Texas – An EAS’d Golden Retriever, is concerned that immigrant working dogs are taking his job, Duffel Blog has learned. Cpl. Nugget served in the U.S. Army
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Navy football unveils “Donald Duck heritage” pants-less uniforms for Army/Navy
ANNAPOLIS, Md. – Ahead of the annual Army-Navy game, Navy Football has unveiled their custom 2019 game uniforms. The uniforms are Donald Duck themed and come complete with a custom
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Delta Force rescues woman trapped in Peloton commercial
Top security personnel suggested the mission after seeing the captured woman’s video diary, recorded over approximately the past twelve months. Video entries include the woman being introduced to the
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Pentagon finally admits ‘God bless the USA’ is a fucking terrible song
WASHINGTON — The Afghanistan Papers contained many shocking revelations, but none more surprising than the behind-the-scene admission by senior Pentagon officials that Lee Greenwood’s "God Bless the
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Study: Some mids/cadets on the field actually unwilling to die for everyone watching
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced this morning that, contrary to popular conception, not every player on the field at the 2019 Army/Navy game would be willing to
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Leaked 'Afghanistan Papers' reveal officials may have told truth about the war
WASHINGTON — A confidential trove of documents obtained by Duffel Blog has revealed that many senior U.S. officials, including numerous general officers in the armed forces, have told the honest
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SHOCK: Army admits flu shot paperwork keeps getting lost because it wants you to die
FORT LEAVENWORTH — The Army has admitted to losing your flu shot paperwork because it wants you to die. Like, for realz. The Army was pretty chill about its admission, not
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Military members disappointed to learn Heaven just another duty station
PARADISE — U.S. service members entering the afterlife note all is not well beyond the Pearly Gates. “I always thought eternal rest meant, well, peace and quiet and maybe some
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US kills mid-level Taliban commander, wins war
KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — After an Operation Resolute Support announcement this morning claiming that a drone strike has killed Abu Nacheez, a mid-level Taliban commander active in Helmand Province, all hostilities
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Lieutenant just two privates in trench coat
FORT BRAGG — Confusion followed the discovery that Second Lt. Butch Stymie, an infantry platoon leader, was actually just a private sitting on another private’s shoulders inside a trench coat.
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West Point to offer online degrees and credit for service
WEST POINT, N.Y. — The U.S. Military Academy at West Point will offer online degrees and college credits for military service and life experience beginning in 2020, an Army
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Staff Sergeant dodges deployment to avoid Star Wars viewing
FORT IRWIN — Staff Sgt. Darren Eden has reportedly turned down a 6 month deployment to an "undisclosed location in Southwest Asia" in order to avoid feeling compelled to
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Officer on death bed wishes he'd spent more time with his training schedule
ARLINGTON, Va. — Harking back to his long ago days on active duty, retired Army Maj. Todd Andrews said he wished he had spent more time with his unit's
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Saudi defense contracts marked ‘safe’ following pensacola attack
WASHINGTON — Hundreds of billions of dollars in military hardware deals narrowly escaped harm after a Saudi gunman opened fire on military personnel in Pensacola. earlier this month “Understanding many Americans
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General unsure where to post Cardi b lip-sync after DoD TikTok ban
WASHINGTON — TikTok, the Chinese-owned, teeny-bopper social media platform, has been available to Americans for over five years. That's why the Army's recent decision to
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REVEALED: Hearing test buttons send electric shock to nipples of detained terrorists
YOUR LOCAL BASE CLINIC — Shocking documents reveal that the little button on the hearing test clicker is actually a direct line to the nipples of America’s greatest enemies. The
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Hotels in Iran deemed unsuitable for Air Force deployment needs
TEHRAN, Iran — An Air Force feasibility study has revealed that Iran has no hotels that meet the high standards for housing U.S. Air Force airmen should they be deployed
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Artillery tries out new 'OK boomer!' motto
FORT SILL, Okla. – The Excellent Fires Center of Excellence announced Tuesday “Ok boomer” would be the school’s new motto. “Every time I ask the young specialists to do something,
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NORTHCOM cubicle farm grows record number of colonels
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — The 2019 growing season produced a bumper crop of cubicle colonels, U.S. Northern Command announced today. “We’re proud to report that this year’s harvest
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Kuwait to become 51st state
WASHINGTON, D.C. – At a surprise press conference in the Rose Garden this morning, White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham announced that the United States had annexed Kuwait, which will
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Iranian tourist killed by American strike in Baghdad
BAGHDAD — An Iranian tourist was killed by an American airstrike in Baghdad on Thursday night, further inflaming relations between the United States and Iran. The strike, which occurred at Baghdad
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Meet Jeff and tina, Cyber command’s new senior executives for network defense
FORT MEADE, Md. — U.S. CYBERCOM is saying “Watch out, China and Russia!” because the new faces of cyber warfare lethality are hot shots Jeff and Tina, fresh from their
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