RYAN, OK — Famed actor and martial artist Chuck Norris announced his intention to enlist in the U.S. Army yesterday. Among a large gathering of family and friends, the 72 year-old Walker, Texas Ranger star said he believed his enlistment would be a “game changer for the military in Afghanistan.”
He’s already served in the Air Force, from 1958-1962. Now he’s decided to take on another challenge and serve the country yet again.
"I really feel like this is a calling," said Norris, "and it's time for me to serve again. The war in Afghanistan has been dragging on. I need to go roundhouse kick some Taliban, punch some bad guys in the nuts, and wrap this thing up."
After making his decision, Norris made his way down to his local recruiting office where he was greeted by recruiter SGT Adam Wentworth.
"I was really starstruck to be honest," said Wentworth. "I couldn't believe I was standing here looking at Chuck Norris, but at the same time, I was afraid that if I said something he didn't like, he would punch me in the gut."
As it turns out, Wentworth wasn't the only one intimidated by Norris. Due to his celebrity status, other high profile military commanders insisted on meeting with him. The current Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Gen. Martin Dempsey, was one of them.
"I've been mortared. I've been shot at, but hell, Chuck Norris is fucking scary," said Dempsey. "Yeah we have age requirements, but I'm not about to tell Chuck that and get roundhouse kicked to the face."
Even the President has gotten involved. Since there is widespread fear of Norris — among the military as well as the enemy Taliban — President Obama has decided to promote Norris immediately.
"Chuck's a hell of a great American," said Obama, "and Martin [Dempsey] has done a wonderful job, but I think we need to do another surge."
Obama, reflecting on the 2007 Iraq surge from President Bush, and his own mini-surge in Afghanistan, is confident in his "Chuck Norris-Surge." This includes immediate promotion to 4-Star General and being named Chairman of the Joint Chiefs.
"Chuck will be an outstanding General. His foot has more confirmed kills than all of the U.S. military combined, so I know he will be able to win this war for us."
Norris is set to deploy to Afghanistan in a matter of days. When asked whether he would be required to do pre-deployment training, Army Public Affairs insisted we "shut the hell up."
Capt. Andrew Miller summed it up well: "General Norris does whatever the hell he wants. He doesn't wear camouflage, he wears Wranglers. He doesn't carry around the standard M9 pistol, he carries around a six-shooter. He doesn't take very well to being corrected."