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Neil Armstrong

HOUSTON, TX — On Saturday, 25 August, America lost one of her heroes, Neil Alden Armstrong. The first man to walk on the Moon, Armstrong passed away due to complications after a blocked coronary surgery. He was 82.

Armstrong flew for the first time in 1930 at six years old, when his father took him up in a Ford Tri-motor. During the short excursion, the plane began to lose control and the pilot panicked. Sensing danger, the six year old Neil head-butted the man to silence his feminine cries, telling him to shut up, then seized the controls, landing the aircraft so well that observers thought the pilot was still at the stick.

Fascinated with flight for the rest of his life, Armstrong joined the Navy in 1949, and trained to become a naval aviator. During the Korean War, Armstrong was on a bombing mission, flying low enough to see the whites of his enemies’ eyes before he sent them back into the Stone Age, when a mechanical issue caused the plane to hit a pole approximately 20 feet off the ground. Lesser pilots would have immediately ejected, but Armstrong decided to come around for another bombing run. With his last remaining piece of ordnance he obliterated the offending pole, and machine gunned the site for good measure.

Flying back while still missing a large portion of his right wing, Armstrong became so angry at the machine that he ejected, sending his plane to crash into the sea for displeasing him. Drifting back over land, Armstrong was picked up by an old flight school buddy, who found the aviator walking down the road leading two Chinese prisoners, with a cigar in his mouth, a still warm .45 pistol in his hand, and his arms around two beautiful Korean girls who had fallen in love with him during the three hours it took to find the missing pilot. Armstrong did not speak a word of Korean.

After the war, Neil Armstrong became heavily involved in experimental testing of jet aircraft, with many of his exploits becoming legend. Once, while flying a B-29 bomber as a chase aircraft, several engines cut out and the plane began to plummet. Rather than bailing out as his crew suggested, Armstrong let fly with a string of profanities so horrific that his men have never repeated them, even under threat of legal action. When Armstrong was finished the airframe shuddered and the engines restarted.

On another occasion, Armstrong was flying with another famed test pilot, Chuck Yeager, the first man to break the sound barrier. Stories differ, but at some point during the mission — to land and evaluate a dry-lakebed for use as a landing strip — the aircraft became stuck in the dirt. Neither pilot has spoken directly about the event, but sources close to each man can confirm that an argument ensued, resulting in either a metaphorical or actual dick measuring contest.

The outcome of this contest is still not known, however Air Force meteorologists did detect a temporary gust of hurricane force winds in the vicinity of the downed jet, which to this day has not been adequately explained.

Most notably, Armstrong was selected to join the Apollo space program, and became legendary when he stepped onto the surface of the Moon on July 20, 1969. Rumor has it that NASA edited his original words upon exiting the Lunar Excursion Module (LEM), which were “This bitch is mine!” and instead forced him to dub in the now immortal phrase, “That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.”

When asked about the quote after the mission, Armstrong told a friend that it was some “PC liberal bullshit!”

After the lunar landing, Armstrong went on to become a teacher, NASA investigator, space technology proponent, and all around American demi-god. In his later years, pilgrims would trek to the famed astronaut’s home in Ohio to receive a glimpse of the hero, and possibly a blessing for their unborn children.

In 1993, it was rumored that Armstrong met with former President Ronald Reagan, and after being introduced to the “Great Communicator” reduced the former President to tears with nothing but a raised eyebrow.

Moments after his death, 57 countries across the globe reported unexplained earthquakes and freak storms, causing over 10 billion dollars in damage.

As a final tribute, NASA wanted to send his body into orbit, but could not afford to pay for space on a Russian or Chinese rocket, as they had blown the annual budget on Martian robot explorers. Instead, a massive state funeral will be hosted by President Obama, and attended by other great American heroes, including Snookie, Octo-mom, Michael Moore, Bradley Manning, George Clooney, and the band Green Day.

R.I.P. Neil Armstrong

(August 5, 1930 – August 25, 2012)

You made us all dream big.

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