In Memoriam: Neil Armstrong; Astronaut, Naval Aviator, ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ For Record 23-Year Streak Maxx Butthurt August 26, 2012 News 30 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: Neil Armstrong HOUSTON, TX — On Saturday, 25 August, America lost one of her heroes, Neil Alden Armstrong. The first man to walk on the Moon, Armstrong passed away due to complications after a blocked coronary surgery. He was 82. Armstrong flew for the first time in 1930 at six years old, when his father took him up in a Ford Tri-motor. During the short excursion, the plane began to lose control and the pilot panicked. Sensing danger, the six year old Neil head-butted the man to silence his feminine cries, telling him to shut up, then seized the controls, landing the aircraft so well that observers thought the pilot was still at the stick. Fascinated with flight for the rest of his life, Armstrong joined the Navy in 1949, and trained to become a naval aviator. During the Korean War, Armstrong was on a bombing mission, flying low enough to see the whites of his enemies’ eyes before he sent them back into the Stone Age, when a mechanical issue caused the plane to hit a pole approximately 20 feet off the ground. Lesser pilots would have immediately ejected, but Armstrong decided to come around for another bombing run. With his last remaining piece of ordnance he obliterated the offending pole, and machine gunned the site for good measure. Flying back while still missing a large portion of his right wing, Armstrong became so angry at the machine that he ejected, sending his plane to crash into the sea for displeasing him. Drifting back over land, Armstrong was picked up by an old flight school buddy, who found the aviator walking down the road leading two Chinese prisoners, with a cigar in his mouth, a still warm .45 pistol in his hand, and his arms around two beautiful Korean girls who had fallen in love with him during the three hours it took to find the missing pilot. Armstrong did not speak a word of Korean. After the war, Neil Armstrong became heavily involved in experimental testing of jet aircraft, with many of his exploits becoming legend. Once, while flying a B-29 bomber as a chase aircraft, several engines cut out and the plane began to plummet. Rather than bailing out as his crew suggested, Armstrong let fly with a string of profanities so horrific that his men have never repeated them, even under threat of legal action. When Armstrong was finished the airframe shuddered and the engines restarted. On another occasion, Armstrong was flying with another famed test pilot, Chuck Yeager, the first man to break the sound barrier. Stories differ, but at some point during the mission — to land and evaluate a dry-lakebed for use as a landing strip — the aircraft became stuck in the dirt. Neither pilot has spoken directly about the event, but sources close to each man can confirm that an argument ensued, resulting in either a metaphorical or actual dick measuring contest. The outcome of this contest is still not known, however Air Force meteorologists did detect a temporary gust of hurricane force winds in the vicinity of the downed jet, which to this day has not been adequately explained. Most notably, Armstrong was selected to join the Apollo space program, and became legendary when he stepped onto the surface of the Moon on July 20, 1969. Rumor has it that NASA edited his original words upon exiting the Lunar Excursion Module (LEM), which were “This bitch is mine!” and instead forced him to dub in the now immortal phrase, “That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.” When asked about the quote after the mission, Armstrong told a friend that it was some “PC liberal bullshit!” After the lunar landing, Armstrong went on to become a teacher, NASA investigator, space technology proponent, and all around American demi-god. In his later years, pilgrims would trek to the famed astronaut’s home in Ohio to receive a glimpse of the hero, and possibly a blessing for their unborn children. In 1993, it was rumored that Armstrong met with former President Ronald Reagan, and after being introduced to the “Great Communicator” reduced the former President to tears with nothing but a raised eyebrow. Moments after his death, 57 countries across the globe reported unexplained earthquakes and freak storms, causing over 10 billion dollars in damage. As a final tribute, NASA wanted to send his body into orbit, but could not afford to pay for space on a Russian or Chinese rocket, as they had blown the annual budget on Martian robot explorers. Instead, a massive state funeral will be hosted by President Obama, and attended by other great American heroes, including Snookie, Octo-mom, Michael Moore, Bradley Manning, George Clooney, and the band Green Day. R.I.P. Neil Armstrong (August 5, 1930 – August 25, 2012) You made us all dream big. Tony Alves says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM RIP Andy Moran says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM By far the best Armstrong article Iv’e read so far. Keep it up TDB. PedroMercie Vega says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Chuck Norris ran away when he saw Neil Armstrong coming his way. Fair winds and following seas, Sir. Davis Bunting says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM This puts all Chuck Norris jokes to shame. Jennifer Childress says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM When I posted on a site, ““This bitch is mine!” and instead forced him to dub in the now immortal phrase, “That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.”, I really got in trouble and felt bad. But, he may have said those very words. We know how the government covers things up. James Wheeler Hammontree says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Scotch and Tang. What the Astronauts really drank. Steven Stippich says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM This man did in real life what charles norris couldn’t even pretend to do in lousy B films. Neil Armstrongs life and accomplishments are the true metric by which men should be measured. Dillon Yost says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM I can understand snooki being an American hero, she represents this current generation, but Michael Moore? Doc Bailey says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM You know what? I’m going to Alabama and stealing the last Saturn V Rocket. We’re going back to the moon if I have to get out and push. In the words of the Immortal Neil Armstrong as he descended to his landing zone “Fuck it, we’re doing it Live”. Jennifer Mengelkamp says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM to Richard A. Mengelkamp…the original Chuck Norris? Crazy Cracker says: September 5, 2012 at 2:30 PM Obama’s going to be made an Apollo Astronaut and the DNC. He will be likened to Neil Armstrong. armyofwon says: September 4, 2012 at 1:58 PM Is this story supposed to be funny or did I miss something? Gomer says: September 17, 2012 at 10:26 AM @armyofwon Yes you DID miss something. TWS says: August 30, 2012 at 11:31 AM Okay, I know it’s satire but it’s Neil Armstrong. You don’t need to make up shit he did for the article. And the stuff you made up is less than what he really did do with his big brass ones. He landed the friggin Eagle with twenty seconds of fuel to spare. On the way to being a permanent fixture on the moon and the computers fail. He didn’t call it off he gutted it out and landed it on his own without computer guidance. He cut it right to the last second but never lost his cool. Let’s see ‘cheetah’ pull that off. He was his own advertisement for why we need a manned space program. When I was a kid I had the poster of him with the moon in the background on my wall. He was in the classroom of every grade I had in grade school. And if he didn’t deserve to have kids know who the hell he is no one does. Instead of having a man on Mars we have the welfare state. I am sure that was a fair trade. Now we have eminem and the Kardashians. I weep for our children. P.S. Sorry for the rant. I know we’re supposed to be having fun here. I see what I was promised when I was a kid and I see where we are now and it makes me physically ill. I’ll get back into the spirit of Duffleblog I promise. Semperflyboy says: August 30, 2012 at 9:13 PM Well said TWS. Very well said. The man will always be a best example of a national hero. I’m just glad they didn’t mention that, every night, Chuck Norris looks under his bed to make sure Neil Armstrong isn’t there. Gomer says: September 3, 2012 at 1:08 PM ^ what he said sillysapper says: August 27, 2012 at 8:35 PM Wonder what happen to the two Korean Chics? Gomer says: August 27, 2012 at 2:16 PM Damnit, you forgot how after a 9/11 fundraiser Chuck Norris and Neil Armstrong got into a fight while on a boat, causing hurricane Katrina after Neil bitchslapped Chuck’s beard off. Michelle Lotz-lynch says: August 27, 2012 at 8:56 AM Can you imagine what the doctor who performed the surgery is thinking: I killed an American hero, great. leftoftheboom says: August 27, 2012 at 10:08 AM One small slip of the knife, one long line at the unemployment offic. leftoftheboom says: August 26, 2012 at 2:41 PM We pray for one last landing On the globe that gave us birth; Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies And the cool, green hills of Earth. —Robert Anson Heinlein God Speed LoFlyer says: August 26, 2012 at 3:44 PM Well said, Lefto! I grew up in the 60’s and believe me it was an inspiration to watch these guys in action. Armstrong was not a “flashy” astronaut and didn’t frack around with women as many others did. He did do his job extremely competently. The first moon landing was an awesome display of American ingenuity and intrepidity. You made us all proud Neal! God-speed with your next adventure! KenC GHad says: August 28, 2012 at 7:56 AM “The only good bug is a dead bug!” —Robert Anson Heinlein radglock says: August 26, 2012 at 1:40 PM Two stories in a row where ORDNANCE is spelled as ordinance……you guys are slipping. Paul says: August 26, 2012 at 2:08 PM We fixed that. Thank you for being so anal. I hope anal was spelled correctly. radglock says: August 26, 2012 at 2:21 PM No problem, I’m always here to watch the backs of my beloved Glunts in our fine Infantree. Semper Fi. TWS says: August 30, 2012 at 11:18 AM ‘rectum? Damn near killed ‘em!” Bill says: August 30, 2012 at 11:19 AM As a matter of protocol, when you thank someone for being anal, you always end it with, …asshole.