CAMP PENDLETON, CA - Members of the American Red Cross held a press conference last week with the 1st Marine Division to proudly announce that Red Cross emergency messages would now carry both 'Dear John letters' and sports scores.

"For the longest time people have only associated Red Cross emergency messages with things like the death, severe illness of a family member, or birth of a child," said William Gossett, regional manager for the Red Cross’ western district.

"But now we can also inform you that your favorite football team just won the big game, or that your wife is leaving you due to your sexual inadequacy."

According to Gossett, multiple surveys over the past two years showed the majority of deployed servicemen and women were overwhelmingly in favor of adding both.