Jesus Announces Second Coming, Tells Westboro Baptist Church To Stop Being A-Holes

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HEAVEN – In response to continued assertions by the Westboro Baptist Church of God’s will, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ announced that he would be moving up his highly anticipated second coming and get his message out early.

In a press release from the Office of Public Affairs – Heaven, the Alpha and Omega indicated that he’s rather disappointed that it’s come to this.

“I was hoping to save this second coming for a proper return, with the whole rapture and all that stuff, but these Westboro people have just gone too far,” said the Lamb of God. “I mean really, what part of ‘love your neighbor as thyself’ do these nitwits not understand?”

The Lord cited numerous instances of distasteful behavior by the members of the church, including protests following tragic events and interruptions of funerals for fallen soldiers. “I was definitely getting upset with them thinking they should thank me for dead soldiers. That wasn’t me. It was usually some jihadi moron planting bombs.”

The last straw however, came when the church announced they would protest the funeral for victims killed recently at Sandy Hook Elementary School.



“I know I’m supposed to sit back and say turn the other cheek and all that good stuff like I said a while back,” said the King of Kings. “But when these guys are taking to twitter and saying children died because gay people exist, these a-holes really just need to be stopped. Pardon my Aramaic.”

“So it says that lying with another man is an abomination in the Old Testament. Well it also says you aren’t supposed to have two different kinds of material in your clothing,” said Christ in a mocking tone. “I’m pretty sure I saw these Phelps idiots wearing a cotton/polyester t-shirt combination on more than one occasion.”

“None of these jerks are out there saying their t-shirt caused the latest hurricane,” He added. “Not to mention these guys are eating shrimp and shellfish all the time. I guess we skipped Leviticus 11:10, huh?”

The Lord also believed that since the U.S. Supreme Court wasn’t able to stop “those crap-stains on the backside of humanity” as he put it, he felt it necessary to step in.

“I watched that trial. I mean, I knew how it was going to turn out and everything, but still, it was disappointing,” said the son of God. “I just think that I can come back, tell them they have to stop being jerks, and we can finally get these people out of our lives. They have to listen to me. I’m kind of a big deal.”

At press time, members of the Westboro Baptist Church have already said they plan to picket Jesus’ return.

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Paul

Paul is a former Marine grunt with eight years of experience -- specializing in snapping necks and cashing checks. He enjoys blowing things up, making people laugh, and hardcore gangster rap music.