Texas Marine Refuses To Annoy Others By Telling Them Where He’s From

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CAMP PENDLETON, CA – Marines from the Lone Star State are enraged today after reports emerged indicating that one of their own does not relentlessly announce his Texas heritage to everyone within earshot.

Lance Corporal Stuart G. Shaw, a Rifleman with 1st Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion, is receiving unfriendly fire after it was revealed that he was a native Texan—something he failed to announce on his own. Shaw, who was born and raised in San Marcos, Texas, says the whole controversy is being blown out of proportion.

“This has been really rough on me and my family,” says the twenty-one year old. “All of my fellow Texans have shut me out. They hiss at me when I walk past. They call me ‘traitor’ and ‘sellout.’ Some have even thrown their empty Shiner bottles at me. I don’t know where all this hate is coming from.”

The controversy started when Shaw and a group of other Marines went out to a local bar and were asked to present identification. As Shaw pulled out his ID, a fellow Marine spotted the Texas driver’s license and word quickly spread.



“That dog just won’t hunt,” says Corporal Robby Garcia of Stanton. “That kid would steal the nickels off a dead man’s eyes. He’s so low you’d need a coal mine railroad to find him. He has been in the Marine Corps for over two years and never bothered no one about being from Texas. I tell you what, man. As a dang ol’ Texan, it is not only our right, but our duty to shove our heritage in peoples’ faces. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some high school football to watch.”

Yet Shaw has found support from many non-Texans.

“If you ask me, I think the kid is a pioneer,” says Sergeant Will Giancarlo of Lacrosse, WI, a member of Shaw’s platoon. “You don’t see people from Vermont constantly making maple syrup money shots on people. I mean, I always had my suspicions about him, ya know? He really liked going to The Stampede on libo and always called everybody Sir or Ma’am. But other than that, he was a normal guy. People need to leave him alone.”

That’s not good enough according to Jeff Wilbanks, Shaw’s team leader and a native of Odessa, Texas.

“I just don’t understand how he could stab us in the back like that,” says Wilbanks.  “We all feel betrayed. He could have hung a gigantic Texas flag in his barracks room. He could have gotten a Texas-themed tattoo.”

“I’ve got a message for Shaw,” he says as he lifts up his shirt and shows off his Texas flag tattoo on his chest. “You see that? It means, ‘Not welcome!’”

Jack Mandaville

Jack Mandaville was raised on Minnesota nice and subsequently corrupted in the Marine Corps. After his honorable discharge, he went all Kerouac around the country, eventually settling in West Texas where he sold out and took employment with a prominent oil company. He likes to write hate mail to popular fast-food chains in his off time.