PYONGYANG, DPRK — As North Korea inches closer to the nuclear brink, one woman has stepped forward with a stunningly selfless offer that might be the world’s last best hope for keeping tensions on the Korean Peninsula from coming to a head.
“I was really hoping this day would never come,” said Ri Sol-ju, wife of Dear Leader Kim Jong-un. “But it occurs to me that the power to put all of this foolishness down really rests in my hands. Or mouth, as the case may be.”
Indeed, Ri, a role model for all women in the Hermit Kingdom, announced publicly on Thursday that, if her “nutjob husband will stop stroking his ego with these moronic threats,” she is prepared, for the first time in their marriage, to place his [redacted] in her mouth and [redacted].
“Wait, Kim Jong-un has a wife?” the international community cried all at once, after puking into a bag. “That has sex with him?!”
A quick Google search by a UN staffer verified the existence of a woman who occasionally appears in public with Kim, but information regarding their sex life—or confirming that Kim even knows what sex is—was not forthcoming.
“Oh, SNAP, is that fat fuck a virgin?!” US Secretary of State John Kerry said with a laugh. “I shouldn’t act surprised. That would totally make sense.”
Kerry and his State Department have been working around the clock these past few weeks to massage the situation in North Korea, but their efforts to keep the groping strictly metaphorical have so far been to no avail.
“Still, Ri, don’t do it, babe,” Kerry added. “I’m as keen to avoid the end of the world as anybody, but if our only shot is you having to slob that gnarly knob, is it really a world worth saving? Seriously, barf.”
According to top North Korean officials, the lack of attention paid to Kim’s Dear Little Friend has been Pyongyang’s worst kept secret since the unsexed maniac took office in 2011.
“I tend to give Ri a pass,” said one DPRK military commander. “But would it have killed her to throw a handy Kim’s way once in a while? A few months back, he was in my office bitching unintelligibly for hours—something about a disagreement over the Atari controller and invading the South… I don’t know, I rarely listen anymore. We had to launch a missile over Japan just to shut him up.”
“At least something took off that night, though,” the official added, chuckling.
Human Rights Watch, which has long had a bone to pick with the atrocities of Kim’s regime, reacted with mixed signals to Ri’s generous proposal. “Yeah, mass starvation sucks dick and all,” a spokesperson for the organization said, “but talk about a human rights violation. Allowing that poor woman to slurp Kim’s limp noodle might be one stain on our conscience too many.”
While Ri says she has been touched by the outpouring of public concern for her emotional well-being, she claims the UN’s impotent diplomatic efforts have left her with no other option.
“This is something I have to do,” Ri said, taking a deep breath and wiping tears from her eyes.
WKJU, Pyongyang’s only radio station, hailed the arrangement as “glorious,” only slightly embellishing the details at hand.
“Our magnificent leader will resume peaceful discussions with the running dog lackeys to our South and their hegemonic overlords from across the sea, so that they might know the stupendousness of his mercy. In celebration of his wisdom and goodness, he will allow the Dear Spouse to receive an enormous gift from him.”
The station cut to a long block of Barry White music immediately following the broadcast.
At press time, the US Geological Survey had detected a 6.5 magnitude seismic event in the vicinity of Pyongyang. A suspected missile launch was soon ruled out, leaving puzzled onlookers scratching their heads.
“Wow, sorry I’ve been such a boner lately,” Kim reportedly told South Korean President Park Geun-hye over the phone moments later. “Listen, about those six-party talks. No need. What do you say we meet in Tokyo next weekend to talk this shit out?”
Duffel Blog reporter Jay-B also contributed to this article.