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Army Says Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Secretary of the Army has announced the service will soon reinstitute corporal punishment in order to improve soldiers’ morale, which recent studies show is at an all-time low.

In a new report, Secretary John McHugh highlights a number of punishment methods he claims will “get the Army on track.” While the full report is still pending the Secretary of Defense’s final review, Duffel Blog was able to obtain a draft copy.

The primary target for new punishments will be minor offenders. Male soldiers in the ranks of E-1 through E-4 can be sentenced with as little as five lashes with a cat ‘o nine tails in their company areas, all the way up to the maximum of 99.  Female soldiers have not been selected for the administration of the new punishments, since equal opportunity (EO) studies have proven that almost all infractions they incur are usually the fault of male co-workers.

“If a soldier is late to formation, mouthing off to their squad leader, or unshaven at morning roll, they all usually result in a bunch of paperwork,” writes McHugh in the report. “My guidance is that all of these should instead be punishable by lashes in lieu of the traditional counseling statements or poorly enforced physical fitness exercises.”

Additionally, the plan addresses the growing sexual harassment epidemic that has been identified in the military and reviews a suggestion by an unnamed retired general to subject more severe offenders to public lashings in full view of the rest of the unit.  Since DoD studies have arbitrarily determined that only 3 percent of all sexual harassment gets reported, it was assessed that every single woman in the Army will become a victim during her career.

These new measures would be aimed at directly combating those numbers. An attachment to the draft order also stated that the decision is still pending regarding the whipping of African-American soldiers due to “that whole slavery thing.”

Lieutenant Colonel Mike Steele, program officer-in-charge, highlighted the advantages of the new disciplinary process.

“Currently we have thousands of officers and NCO’s in the ranks that have no idea how to administer real punishments,” Steele said. “They hide behind masses of paperwork and counseling statements that can cripple or even destroy the careers of more promising soldiers. With this new ‘immediate feedback’ punishment system, infractions will go down, productivity will increase, and a good soldier who was convicted of a DUI 18 years ago when he was a private will no longer worry about being barred from promotion to master sergeant.”

Steele also spoke about the incredible savings this new program would provide the Army.

“The unused paper from counseling statements alone will save the Army enough to pay for the next three uniform changes we’ll implement in the next decade, as well as preventing the destruction of almost one million acres of forest a year. And in the case of sexual harassment and EO violations, we’ve proscribed some pretty serious consequences.  Up to 50 lashes for a sexual harassment complaint.  Rapists will get the maximum of 99 strokes with the ‘cat.  Any more and that would kill you,” he added with a chuckle.

“Because of all that, we’ll be able to remove almost all mandatory video and Powerpoint presentations given by the EO and SHARP personnel that, until now we’ve been forced to maintain in the ranks as a sort of Army-wide ‘cover your ass’ campaign. Now we can fire most of those people, providing an immediate windfall of almost $500 million. Additionally getting rid of all those briefings will save around 47 years in cumulative training time annually across the Army.”

When asked if it was counter-productive to use such primitive methods to correct disciplinary issues in an organization that supposedly represents the ideals of the United States across the globe, Steele laughed.

“You know most of us kill people for a living right?”

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