Ask a Deserter is a semi-regular advice column where you can get advice from the very worst of the military. Here you can get any of your questions about turning into a pathetic coward and ruining your life answered from someone who has done it before.

“Thug life” decided the military wasn’t for him after being separated from his family for the entirety of Air Force boot camp. He spends his days begging for change on the side of the road. His life has never been better.

They say it’s hard to get a job without an honorable discharge. Is that true?

Oh no, it’s real easy. McDonalds doesn’t do any background checks until you move up to cashier. After they fire you, move on to Burger King or Taco Bell. Once you run out of options you can always join the French Foreign Legion like I did. I’m shipping out in a month, I’m going to see Africa!