ZABUL PROVINCE, AFGHANISTAN – In combat zones across the world, Navy Lt. Cdr. Mike Kendall has rendered safe hundreds of live explosive devices, cheating death and saving countless lives in the process. Yet today sources confirm the decorated Explosive Ordinance Disposal officer is taking an outright beating from the popular computer game, Minesweeper.

“Son of a fucking… agh!” the expert bomb technician said, smacking his monitor and refreshing his game for the forty-third time this hour.

According to Kendall’s colleagues at Special Operations Task Force Southeast, the trouncing began at approximately 9 o’clock this morning, when Kendall – reportedly emboldened by a successful game on Beginner yesterday – decided to try his hand at the Intermediate difficulty setting. Since then, it's been a non-stop pain train of "truly embarrassing" defeat for the man in a warfare community full of winners.

“The trick,” Kendall said, squinting and rubbing bloodshot eyes, “is to learn the patterns. Right here, for instance, we’ve got a 1-2 pattern. That means this third tile over’s always a mine, so now I just click – no, no, FUCK! Christ on Earth, where's a fucking robot when you need it?!”