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Disgruntled Veteran Kills Fourteen Beers, Shoots Tequila

WILMINGTON, NC — A local man and former Marine was accused of indiscriminately killing multiple beers and shooting tequila last night at a local bar, witnesses say.

The suspect, 25-year-old Antoine Jones of Wrightsboro, served in the Marine Corps from 2006 to 2010 before being honorably discharged at the rank of Lance Corporal, third award. He was recently laid off from his job as a nighttime security guard at a local shopping mall.

Sources suggest he had unsuccessfully sought psychiatric help for “my shitty fucking life” shortly before entering the bar.

Patrons of the bar first noticed something was off by the look of inconsolable misery on the suspect’s face, as well as what a witness called a distinct “the-world-can-go-fuck-itself attitude.”

One bystander attempted to intervene, but was rebuffed when Jones threatened to come over there and finish the other patrons’ drinks as well, if he wasn’t left alone.

“The military taught me to never quit,” said Jones, while on his mission to drink all the alcohol in the world. “And even though I already quit my marriage and showing up to work, I’m putting my foot down here.”

Jones was also reported to have engaged in the taunting and mockery of his victims, saying things like “Don’t be scared, you pansy. I’m gonna end you before you feel anything at all,” and “You call yourself a Dos Equis? I’ve put down Coronas I bought from Taco Bell with more heritage than you.”

One witness reported Jones also berating a toilet bowl in the restroom stall. “How many asses have you kissed today Mr. Crapper? Don’t know? I see you’ve left your lid up again Crapper. Unacceptable! Well, I’m gonna shit on you like they’ve been shitting on me.”

But just when it seemed the ordeal couldn’t be more heartbreaking, Jones put aside the tall glass of Long Island Iced Tea and instead began murdering the little ones.

“Those babies never had a chance,” sobbed Yolanda Johnson, a witness and Jose Cuervo employee, in the aftermath. “I thought he was going to shoot every single one of my babies. He would have done it, too, if not for the alcohol poisoning. It just goes to show, you come in here trying to go fast and hard, God will pull you down by the liver, yes he will.”

In the final moments of the spree, which came to a close only after someone mercifully cried out “Last call!”, a heavy-lidded Jones was seen dismantling an Irish Car Bomb, one sip at a time.

Duffel Blog Investigative Reporter G-Had also contributed to this report.

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