WASHINGTON DC - Despite heavy violence in the Middle East and budget shortfalls at home, the Pentagon announced today that it is pressing forward with a new plan to stand up a unified combatant command for the Antarctica region.

"As we move forward to face the challenges of global warming in the twenty-first century, our military needs to adapt to the changing environment," announced Gen. Jack "Frost" Winters at a press conference today. Winters is the four-star general who has been tapped by the Joint Chiefs to lead the new ANTARCTICOM unit.

The command will consist of an Army component (ARANT), to handle any ground forces in the region; a Navy component (NAVANT) to handle naval forces in the region; an Air Force group (AFANT) based out of Elmendorf Air Force Base and providing C-130 support; and a Marine component, MARFORANT, which will do the exact same thing that ARANT does, only with a silent drill team and a slick media campaign.

Due to personnel shortfalls caused by both the military drawdown and sequestration, the actual headquarters will consist of only two dozen personnel: Gen. Winters, several colonels to get him coffee, a group of bitter master sergeants waiting for retirement, and a lone private first class who drives the general around, buffs the floors, takes out trash, and rails the general's civilian secretary.