NORAD Spends $231 Billion Tracking Santa Claus Drew Ferrol December 23, 2013 News 14 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — Many know the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) tracks Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve. Few know how much it costs the American taxpayer. The Government Accountability Office (GAO) puts the cost of tracking Santa at $231 billion this year, a ten percent increase from 2012. The costs began to accrue in the planning stages. Due to Pentagon rules, a large scale publicity stunt needs to be supervised by several generals. Six Lieutenant Generals were honorarily promoted, four from the Air Force and two from the Army. Their promotion ceremonies alone cost $88 billion. The generals said they wouldn’t be able to work without a separate office suite for themselves and their staff. It cost $8 billion to make a 1500 square foot office in the interior of a mountain. At one point the workers hit a magma vein and eight were burned alive. Due to already ballooning costs, their survivors were not paid benefits. After creating the office the generals demanded multiple contingency scenarios. “We have to be prepared for everything,” Gen. William Bradford said. “What if a reindeer is sick and Santa has to abort? What if he gets stuck in a chimney? What if he turns hostile and needs to be shot down? These are thing we have to keep in mind.” Designing these scenarios cost $50 billion. A colonel who asked why they were wasting their time was relieved of duty. Bradford decided to fly a fighter escort for Big Red One. Two F-18’s were painted red and green. The paint job cost $10 billion and the escort flights will cost another five. On December 17th, Gen. Bradford decided tracking Santa did not help further NORADs combat mission and contracted it out for $70 billion to Islamabad Radar, a Pakistani corporation with ties to the Taliban. “We will know the exact location of Big Red One at all times,” Nadeem Domki, CEO of Islamabad Radar, said when reached for comment. “We can’t wait to see him take to the sky and go out with a bang. This will be a merry Christmas the infidels will never forget.” Patrick Sugrue says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Oh dear! Walter Rogers says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Kim Jong Un has reportedly spent almost as much tracking Dennis Rodman Jerome Krough says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Only because the NSA is too busy tracking everyone else. Kenneth Michael Karsted says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM I love the ‘most trusted news source’ in the header. I can’t believe that Fox hasn’t bought them out yet. Dan Niemiec says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM This site features some of the wittiest and funniest writing this side of “The Onion” Sierra Hotel! AK Bear says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Does NORAD know that the Austrian Air Force is on alert and will take care of the red guy when he enters Austrian air space because last year he violated the Christkind’s right of way? Ted Achimasi Sr. says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Bull shit. Kenny Rowland says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM An discrase tbh Josh Noble says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Santa has been spreading the simplistic and false message of “love” and “joy” through his bribery of children for centuries. It’s time we took out this old man with our air power and quit spending this money of such a frivolous effort. Brett Weeks says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM They would have spent more it hadn’t been for sequester. Lyn Peterson says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM We explained to my grandson from the beginning that Santa Clause is not real, he is make-believe. He tells his friends that their parents have been LYING to them…..ooops….but regardless these kids are 100% certain that Santa Clause IS real because of the NORAD Santa Tracker. First the parents deceive their own children for years about this, and then the government backs up the story with the Santa Tracker. When these kids finally discover the truth about Santa Clause, they won’t trust what the government tells them anymore, which is probably beneficial in some ways…but parents, is it really in your children’s best interests to lie to them about this, when it could result in your kids not trusting Mom and Dad??? Ronald Shrek says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Just was wondering, if you people in this great country, could stop BITCHING for one NIGHT. And let Santa do his FRigging job. But you all are a bunch of whining DUSHE BAGS and can not do that. MERRY FRIGGING CHRISTMAS> Hope I pissed someone off by saying MERRY CHRISTMAS. I REALLY MEAN merry Christmas. hOPE I REALLY OFFEND SOMEONE Drew Miller says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM It is so cool the author has a free and hilarious standup special online completely free. You should watch it and tell your friends. Erich Maria de Villiers says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM You forgot the $6 billion to design combat uniforms (NORPOLCAMPAT) for Santa’s elves that were never issued after they were deemed to have infringed upon the Marine Corps’ trademarked camouflage pattern.