USS NEW ORLEANS (LPD-18) – Sources confirmed today that Petty Officer Third Class Rob Shakely, thought to be a Navy SEAL, is actually just an ordinary Gunner’s Mate. Shakely, a veteran of one and a half years, claims to have done nothing to perpetuate the misconception that he is a maritime commando.
“Honestly, I have no idea where people get the idea that I’m a Navy SEAL,” Shakely says, posing with a clear and safe M4 at a clearing barrel. “Seriously, like, I haven’t even been to BUD/S,” he grunts while churning out a set of pushups for the camera.
“Wait, he’s not a SEAL?” shrieks a female just within earshot. “You mean I [expletive deleted] him for no reason?”
“Yeah, I totally thought that guy was a SEAL,” chimes in an unidentified sailor. “He’s always wearing those really tactical sunglasses, and his hair is rebelliously long.”
Even the Marines of the 13th MEU [Marine Expeditionary Unit] were thrown by Shakely’s appearance. “I always see that guy in the gym wearing his UDT shorts and Bates 922s [lightweight boots],” divulges Sgt. Dave Neeson. “I had my suspicions at first, but when I saw him doing burpees and kipping pull ups, I knew he was the real deal.”
“Needless to say, I was shocked when I found out he just sits down in the armory all day playing Call of Duty,” he adds.
“On a scale of one to tactical, he’s a Dick Marcinko,” boasts Shakely’s chief. Having worked with SEALs at one point, Shakely’s chief is “practically a SEAL” himself.
Despite having no aspirations of becoming a SEAL, Shakely dreams of joining the Navy Expeditionary Combat Command and becoming an elite killer. “It’s way more progressive than BUD/S,” Shakely adds, referring to the equal opportunities available to female sailors. If selected, Shakely says his first choice of orders will be Bahrain, where he will receive sea pay for shore duty and have access to all the steroids and Filipina hookers he can handle.
Shakely was last overheard yelling about “when shit hits the fan downrange” during a shipboard handgun qualification shoot, winning everyone’s respect and admiration.