USS NEW ORLEANS (LPD-18) – Sources confirmed today that Petty Officer Third Class Rob Shakely, thought to be a Navy SEAL, is actually just an ordinary Gunner’s Mate. Shakely, a veteran of one and a half years, claims to have done nothing to perpetuate the misconception that he is a maritime commando.

“Honestly, I have no idea where people get the idea that I’m a Navy SEAL,” Shakely says, posing with a clear and safe M4 at a clearing barrel. “Seriously, like, I haven’t even been to BUD/S,” he grunts while churning out a set of pushups for the camera.

“Wait, he’s not a SEAL?” shrieks a female just within earshot. “You mean I [expletive deleted] him for no reason?”