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Hugo Boss Awarded Contract For Joint Service Uniform Design


WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has awarded a $3.3 billion contract to German fashion designer Hugo Boss AG for a new Joint Service Uniform to be worn across all military service branches, Duffel Blog has learned.

Featuring a high button collar, knee-high spit-shine-able leather dress boots, and a rounded service-type garrison cap with plastic visor, the JSU concept evokes the crisp lines and sharp appearance of the uniforms Hugo Boss created for the German military from the early 1930’s through the mid-1940’s.

“Standardizing service uniforms across all branches with the JSU will save a huge amount of money, and by eliminating the hodge-podge appearance of mismatched uniforms, we present an image of a much more professional military culture,” said Gen. Martin Dempsey, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Many senior military leaders agree.

“We’ve been wanting to go back to the old spit-and-polish days for a long time, and now that we’re transitioning back to a garrison force, it seems like the right time,” said Maj. Gen. John Nicholson, commanding general of the 82nd Airborne Division. “It’s part of the tradition of arms that we wear our Class A’s and B’s in garrison, and this new JSU brings back a lot of the snappiness that our uniforms have lost.”

Col. Christopher Short, commander of the 366th Fighter Wing at Mountain Home Air Force Base, enjoys the vintage look of the new uniform.

“I’ll be honest, I was a little pissed when I heard the Air Force was gonna change dress uniforms, I mean, that’s another $400 or so we’ll all have to spend on a whole new uniform,” Short told reporters. “Then I saw the new JSU design, and I gotta say, it looks really great. It’s got a very sharp look, very vintage.”

Not everyone is so pleased, however.

The Marine Corps, in particular, is extremely reluctant to replace their iconic dress blues with the new JSU.

“I really don’t like it at all,” said Staff Sgt. Harris Blalock, of 3rd Battalion, 5th Marines. “I can go into town and go to any nightclub, any bar anywhere in my blues, and I’m guaranteed to get laid. How am I supposed to pick up girls in Southern California, of all places, walking into a bar dressed like I’m about to invade Poland? There’s no way.”

While reaction to the JSU among the services has been mixed, it has drawn unexpected praise from liberal college student organizations and other domestic subversive groups which have long been hostile towards the military.

“This is totally appropriate for those fascist pigs,” said Norma Klein-Veracruz, of the UC-Berkeley Student Union. “We’ve always said that American troops were Nazis, and now that they’ll be dressing that way, everyone else will see it too.”

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