Army Establishes ‘Excellency Excellent Center of Excellently Excelling Excellence’

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WASHINGTON D.C. – With much fanfare, the Chief of Staff of the Army announced the opening of the latest cross-branch U.S. Army School designed to indoctrinate officers and crush any dissenting thinkers, sources confirmed today.

The Excellency Excellent Center of Excellently Excelling Excellence — or E2CE3 because this is the Army — is the logical conclusion of the nightmarish hodgepodge of ‘good ideas’ that some sadistic lunatic in the Pentagon came up with in combining completely different branches of the service together into a schoolhouse in the name of pecuniary considerations.

Thanks to a recent revision of the oxymoronically named Army Writing Guide banning all adjectives and adverbs save variations on “excellent,” the Dept. of the Army related that creating monikers for these cesspits of egotism has never been easier.

Examples of this new order include the “Maneuver Center of Excellence” in which armor and infantry officers glare at each other and argue about who really won the World War II, and the “Fires Center of Excellence,” which irrationally blends the Field Artillery, a strictly offensive branch and the Air Defense Artillery, an eponymously defensive one.

Renowned Duffel Blog contributer Brig. Gen. J.B. ‘Jay’ Burton informed us that a pet project of his, combining Explosive Ordnance Disposal and the Chemical Corps into a singular organization dubbed simply ‘The Branch of Excellence’ has recently received the approval of the Secretary of the Army and is awaiting Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel’s signature.

“I am very proud of the potential behind E-two-C-E-three,” said Army Chief of Staff Gen. Raymond Odierno, while wiping perspiration from his shiny bald head. “What exactly makes it so excellent? I’m afraid that’s classified. The official crest is still being created by the Army Heraldry Center of Excellence, but I am confident that not one most bogus dude will be able to make his or her way through its hallowed halls without emerging a most triumphantly excellent character on the other end!”

Odierno grinned broadly, eyes as black and pitiless as a shark’s gleaming over yellowed, slab-like teeth.

“Of course, in order to get funding for this most excellent center, I had to cut an excellent drug deal with Congress that involved a 15% cut to basic pay to everyone without one of these on their shoulder,” said Odierno, smugly rubbing imaginary dust from his four-star shoulderboard. “But I told them ‘My soldiers don’t mind losing pay, as long as they can get even better training!’”

After finishing his comments and cannily dodging questions about actually important topics, Odierno brought up the two first graduates of the E2CE3, introducing them William S. Preston Esq. and Theodore Logan, both lieutenant colonels.

“What has your time at the new Army Center of Whatever taught you?” The question floated limply up from the apathetic crowd of reporters like a week-old birthday balloon. Lt. Col. Preston paused briefly, leaning towards his companion to murmur a few indistinguishable words before returning to the microphone. He cleared his throat. “Be excellent to each other,” he proclaimed beneficently.

Lt. Col. Logan raised his hand, “Party on dudes!”