www.alu.army.milArmy Disbands Logistics Corps After Signing Contract With Amazon.com Dick Scuttlebutt August 7, 2014 Army 17 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: PrevNextUse your ← → (arrow) keys to browse FORT LEE, Va. — The Army will disband its entire logistics corps and use Amazon.com for all logistical needs, Duffel Blog has learned. “After consistently failing to conduct our mission without hemorrhaging money to contractors, we decided to try something different,” said Lt. Gen Raymond V. Mason, Deputy Chief of Staff of the Army, G-4. “It’s definitely a bittersweet day. While we close the book on the storied history of an Army institution, we welcome our new partners from Amazon. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos will be in charge of ensuring that all Soldiers get their supplies of beans and bullets, Mason added, “in three to five business days.” Indeed, Army officials confirmed that combat leaders would now receive support in a timely fashion, in part due to Amazon’s emphasis on actual work and not whether its employees have completed Suicide Awareness training. In anticipation of soldiers’ demands, Amazon has already released a new website catering to the military called “AmazonUnderscoreBackslashLIWForwardslash4528103HyphenDotPHP.” “We weren’t expecting to use that name,” said Bezos, “but the Army’s G-6 said anything else would be a gross violation of government regulations.” During a demonstration of the new website, Specialist Christopher Holmes, a supply clerk at the Pentagon, revealed Amazon’s “one-click requisition” service. “Want your MRAP by Monday, July 21st? Order by 3pm and select one-day shipping,” read one item description. “And without the FAA to harass us, we can fully explore the possibilities of an autonomous drone fleet,” added Bezos. Bezos, highlighting the possibilities of the new partnership, floated one possible scenario: “Are you in the middle of a desperate firefight? Our drones can deliver a box of quality Chinese-made ammunition to your place of residence or work in less than 30 minutes. Just add $19.95 for shipping and handling.” News of the contract with Amazon received mixed response. While soon-to-be-unemployed logistics officers and sergeants major were not fully appreciative of the idea, most junior soldiers were ecstatic. “The Army also purchased the Amazon Prime option as part of the contract,” said Specialist Jebediah White. “It’s only got AFN commercials for now, but I heard Amazon struck a deal to give Bagram Batman his own night-time talk show. I can’t wait.” Jay-B contributed to this story. Josh Noble says: August 10, 2014 at 10:28 PM That sounds great, but just you wait until an order is messed up and a combat unit receives my order of “For Whom the Bell Tolls” and a dozen socks, and I get 2 tons of bullets. You think I’m going to tell anyone? Carlos Naranjo says: August 8, 2014 at 8:58 PM Lmfao, well writing…..lol Kenneth McGriff says: August 8, 2014 at 12:43 PM ndeed, Army officials confirmed that combat leaders would now receive support in a timely fashion, in part due to Amazon’s emphasis on actual work and not whether its employees have completed Suicide Awareness training. AHH good stuff Michael Werner says: August 8, 2014 at 7:28 AM What they fail to mention is that orders will have to be placed a CAC enabled Kindle Fire HD with embedded Type-1 encryption. Each person with supply requisitioning authority will be required to have his or her own Kindle After development and testing cost is estimated to be $29,420 per unit. The NSA certified charging unit is $1,150.00. The units USB port cannot be plugged into regular DOD computer systems and will require special stand-alone servers connected to hardened sites located at 20 Amazon distribution centers across the US at $6.4 million each. This will tentatively be called the Amazon Supply System Expedited Services (ASSES). DOD has ensured that any cost savings will be counter-balanced by infrastructure requirements. An anonymous Pentagon source was quoted as saying, “ASSES will do for DOD supply what DTS did for DOD travel. Michael Belloli says: August 8, 2014 at 3:58 AM What really scares me is the people who comment thinking this is real…… Anonymous says: August 8, 2014 at 1:13 AM Beans and bullets in three to five business days… however, for bandages – you’ve got to be an Amazon Prime customer for those! Elijah Kautzman says: August 8, 2014 at 1:13 AM In no doubt unrelated news, within one week of this partnership Amazon has noticed a 41,700% increase in their shipping times, a 36,400% increase in their items damaged/lost in transit, a 6900% increase in the amount of paperwork one must complete to place an order… Jesse N Raquel says: August 7, 2014 at 1:59 PM I just retired from the Corps and wouldn’t you know I start at Amazon on Monday! I know this is satire, but Amazon has great pay and benefits, just something for all the separating folks to considered. Winston Chapman says: August 7, 2014 at 12:43 PM Companion article recommendation: “Army outsources vehicle services to Jiffy Lube, Jiffy Lube employees harass operators for unneeded belts and bulbs.” Dan Widge says: August 7, 2014 at 11:28 AM Future story: “US Army 2nd LT gets promotion for replying on Duffle Blog and explaining its a satire site because he’s so fuc–ing arrogant he thought he was the only one who knew” Jess Capel says: August 7, 2014 at 10:13 AM Guess I retired just in time Kevin Clements says: August 7, 2014 at 10:13 AM I believe this is a joke and sarcastic, and a hoax article, and y’all fell for it Dan Widge says: August 7, 2014 at 10:13 AM Great idea. Maybe now the troops will actually get T.P. on time and not have to buy their own at the PX. Travis Daisy Morrill says: August 7, 2014 at 10:13 AM I tried the website they listed. It didn’t work for me. Must be CAC enabled or something. John Browne says: August 7, 2014 at 6:44 AM I always KNEW that the Army had too many potatoes… and not enough Onions. ^..^ Matt Solle says: August 7, 2014 at 6:44 AM “I heard Amazon struck a deal to give Bagram Batman his own night-time talk show.” Oh god no… Anonymous says: August 7, 2014 at 6:28 AM I hope they’re getting Amazon Prime to save on shipping. This is long over due!,Good job Army!