To Top

Navy Chaplain Corps Commissions First Death Cultist

NAS INNSMOUTH, Mass. — The Navy commissioned the military’s first death cultist chaplain in an Eldritch ceremony September 28, according to sources in the Secretary of the Navy’s office. He will enter service with the Marine Corps at Camp Lejeune.

At midnight under a gibbous moon, Chief of Navy Reserve Vice Adm. Randolph Carter officially commissioned Lt. j.g. Barnabas “Barney” Marsh, who completed the oath of service with, “So help me, Dagon.”

“Marsh’s commissioning is an important dream come true for the Chaplain Corps,” said Carter. “It shows our effort to continually improve diversity in order to serve sailors and Marines of various religious backgrounds.”

Chaplain Marsh’s candidacy was sponsored by the Esoteric Order of Dagon, an anti-anthropocentric masonic occult order dedicated to various methods of exploring the Collective Unconscious through Assyro-Babylonian mysticism and responsible financial planning. The Order is most well known for its legal campaign to have the Elder Sign removed from a hilltop at Camp Pendleton, on the grounds that it violates the separation of church and state and also prevents the return of the Old Ones.

Marsh first entered the military by enlisting in the Marine Corps 2004 where he served four years in the infantry. Upon his honorable discharge he earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in Philosophy and Religious Studies from Miskatonic University. After graduating, Marsh spent some time on an extended spiritual sabbatical, exploring the Antarctic and a number of obscure Pacific islands.

“As a former Marine, it will be my great pleasure to provide a misanthropic ministry to my fellow amphibious monsters,” said Marsh. “I’m particularly excited to offer commanders the option of ritualistically sacrificing troops who fail the Body Composition Program to the Deep Ones.”

Though news of Marsh’s commissioning is exciting for service members with non-traditional religious beliefs, not everyone is as enthusiastic.

“I don’t understand half of what comes out of his hippie mouth,” said Dexter Ward, Marsh’s battalion sergeant major. “‘Cthulhu fhtang’ is definitely not the proper greeting of the day. He needs to secure that squamous trash.”

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Micah Covington
1 year 11 months ago

He still needs a masters degree to get accessioned as a chaplain.

Drew Shaw
1 year 11 months ago

All religions ARE death cults; that’s their primary purpose. Take away the afterlife mythologies and what little incentive the dwindling minority have for attending a church would essentially be gone.

Matthew Evans
1 year 11 months ago

Great, now the secret cult of Nyarlathotep at Hanscom is sure to be crushed!

Max Pestremenko
1 year 11 months ago

Obviously it is not March on the photo. The guy don’t even have gills.

Kelli Couch
1 year 11 months ago

Good for a chuckle this morning. 🙂


More from Navy