LA GRANGE, Texas — Beloved Rock and Roll Hall of Fame artist ZZ Top has retained the services of Jimmy, Jojo, Kim, and Keith LLP to seek unspecified damages from the Transportation Security Administration for racial profiling and generally making them feel lowdown in the street before their USO tour in Afghanistan last week.
“One agent — who I only know by Lola — was out of control! I could tell she didn’t like our rhythm and blues. She went as far to say she was going to take me downtown and look inside my tush!” said legendary guitarist Billy Gibbons choking back tears. “She even took my cheap sunglasses!”
Dusty Hill, the band’s bass player, attempted to calmly diffuse the situation, but to no avail. “We tried pointing out to TSA that terrorists could not be men who were this sharply dressed. That is when they threatened to take out their night sticks and hurt us real, real, bad!”
“And leave us by the roadside in a ditch!” finished drummer Paul Beard.
According to the Department for Homeland Security spokesman Clark Stevens, TSA personnel overheard what looked to be two Islamic fundamentalist terrorists discussing “brown sugar,” which they believed was a euphemism for heroin.
“Given that Afghanistan is the largest producer of raw opium in the world, agents naturally became suspicious. The situation escalated when Mr. Gibbons showed signs of deception when questioned about his itinerary,” said Stevens. “‘Some shack outside La Grange’ seemed intentionally vague and misleading, so TSA took the entire group into custody.”
During a press conference Monday, TSA administrator, John Pistole, applauded the TSA’s diligence and execution of their duties in spite of the celebrity of the case.
“We deeply regret the events that unfolded at Fayette Regional Air Center Airport, but I stand behind the TSA’s reasoning for singling out the power trio,” Pistole said. “Furthermore, the musicians would not be in this predicament had it not been for the subsequent search of their mint condition, cherry red 1933 Ford ‘Eliminator’ Coupe which had been illegally parked in the airport terminal’s drop off lane,” he added, pausing to clear his throat before continuing.
“We found whips, chains, cocaine, and evidence of them flipping out with great Danes. They’re about all I can handle — they’re too much for my brain.”