WASHINGTON — David Petraeus has been reinstated as CIA Director and given $2.2 million in backpay following new legislation that decriminalizes the leak of top secret information, as long as it is done by people who have deep political connections or fame.

Congress unanimously passed legislation on Friday that takes into account a convicted person's sociopolitical rank before passing sentence on a convicted criminal, particularly when it comes to matters of national security. In this controversial bill, lawmakers standardized the long-standing practice of allowing high-ranking political and military figures to break the law without any fear of the consequences, which has inspired a collective sigh of relief from nearly everyone in authority anywhere.

The bill, which quickly passed in both the House and the Senate, establishes a complicated algorithm by which sentences for crimes are reduced based on a number of factors, such as net worth, political clout, number of active lobbyists making trips to their family pool, and degrees of separation from the Kennedy family.