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Chairman Says ‘Fuck This Noise’ In New National Military Strategy

THE PENTAGON — Gen. Martin Dempsey, the outgoing Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, peppered the word “fuck” 257 times in the just-published “National Military Strategy of the United States of America 2015: Fuck This Noise and Suck My Chode.” Reportedly part of his plan to “smear the walls of this office with shit” on his way out of the door, Dempsey drunkenly published an incomplete and unapproved draft of the National Military Strategy (NMS) last week.

By many accounts, Dempsey has been a loose cannon since his petition for a fifth star was rejected in March of this year. After seeing Secretary of Defense Ashton Carton wipe his ass with Dempsey’s fifth star paperwork, Dempsey declared Iraq to be strategically insignificant and contradicted the president by discussing the possibility of ground troops in Syria. After being told that Gen. Joseph Dunford would replace him solely because Dunford, a Marine, was Ranger-qualified, Dempsey screamed “Obama!” into a poncho liner and began to rewrite the NMS with a bald-eagle quill carried by his aide-de-camp.

Some of the most noteworthy sections hit on topics controversial among rank and file soldiers and junior officers.

On deployment durations:

“Nine months is the ideal duration for a deployment and should follow the following construct: 1 assed-up month getting men, weapons, equipment into country and ignoring what the predecessor has done, 2 months figuring out what the fuck is going on in the area of operations, 4 months pissing off the populace, and the final 2 months planning and executing redeployment.”

On measures of performance and measures of effectiveness:

“Division and brigade commanders should encourage the use of green, amber, and red piecharts devoid of any intellectual rigor in order to measure whatever the fuck they want.”

On campaign plan briefs:

“One big ass fuckin’ arrow that begins as red and ends as green and contains sentence fragments that some derp working group is trying to pass off as lines of effort and operation is a mandatory staff product. If a campaign is assessed to last 14 years, then no fewer than 14 units will rotate in for any given area of operations. Continuity is complacency.”

On emphasizing the adversary:

“Theater campaigns should place primary emphasis on destroying the enemy so that commanders focus on pushing out patrols to inflate their officer evaluation reports and completely ignore the populace. The enemy IS the environment even in humanitarian assistance scenarios. All societal problems can be solved by killing the enemy. Full stop.”

On building a staff team of rivals while deployed:

“Cast aside the leaf eating anthropologists and fruity, glasses-wearing social scientists with their advanced degrees and subject matter expertise in favor of loyal staff majors who studied aeronautics online at Embry Riddle University and received Master’s degrees in Military Art and Science just for queefing during Command and General Staff College.”

On operational and strategic progress:

“Focus all efforts on tactics from the fire team level all the way through the corps level. Tactical proficiency WILL translate to operational and strategic success no matter how insignificant that piece of terrain is.”

On relief-in-place and transfer-of-authority procedures between Army brigade combat teams:

“It’s best practice for the incoming commander to toss out the lessons learned by the previous unit, delete all products, read-aheads, and hard-drive contents, and start from scratch. It’s ideal for the incoming commander and his primary staff to actively ignore what the 14 units have done in that area of operations prior to their arrival.  The local population and host nation security forces will appreciate having to answer the same questions every 9 months and getting to know new people who don’t really give a shit about them.”

There is no word yet from the White House or Secretary of Defense’s office on when or how a revised document will be released. But sources close to the Secretary suggest that Dempsey has gone on an inspection tour of Diego Garcia, and that the slow freighter taking him there may have developed engine trouble.

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