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Air Force switches to gender-neutral ‘unpersonned aerial vehicles’


CREECH AIR FORCE BASE, Nev. — The Pentagon has directed the Air Force to retire all of its sexist “Unmanned Aerial Vehicles” and replace them with new gender-neutral UAVs after a series of internal complaints.

“How do we know it’s not a woman who’s not inside that drone?” asked Capt. Rachel Wilson, a UAV pilot. “Technically, I fly an Unwomanned Aerial Vehicle, so the current title of ‘unmanned’ is inaccurate at best.”

The overhaul, which will decommission the male drones and replace them with androgynous ones, will come with an estimated $100 billion price tag. However, the cost is considered minor compared to silencing dissent, as well as the advantage the drones will continue to provide for infantrypeople and artillerybeings on the battlefield.

Col. Jennifer Vance, Wilson’s battalion commander, said that she did not understand the need to overhaul traditional naming conventions. “I know that the words aren’t meant to exclude me, and I’m not offended,” Vance told interviewers. “However, these changes are mandatory —I’m sorry, persondatory, and I’m ready to individual up and accept the switch.”

Gen. Mark Welsh, Chief of Staff of the Air Force, believes that the change reflects the best possible option.

“I’m truly just glad the Pentagon didn’t switch us to all-female verbiage instead,” Welsh said. “We offered ‘remotely piloted aircraft,’ but that got shot down because people think only men can be Air Force pilots, even though we have like four girls flying cargo planes out of Hong Kong.”

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