THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has announced that Africa Command (AFRICOM) is abandoning all activities in Djibouti, due to immaturity surrounding the East African country’s name, effective immediately.
Pentagon Spokesman Peter Cook expressed disgust with reporters over the matter.
“Look, I get it,” he said. “But just once can I discuss late-night back-door raids in Djibouti without one of you giggling like a Cadet at a leadership course? And last summer there was an emergency which required our operators to take a dirt road back home to their base.”
“Why do you jackals have to be so goddam insecure? Grow up, people.”
Cook acknowledges that the press is not the only culprit with regard to Djibouti, referring to a recent school expulsion.
Army Staff Sgt. John Jacobs claims that his 8 year old son, Jack, was suspended from school over the country’s name.
“Jack mentioned that I was going to be deploying soon,” Jacobs said. “The teacher asked where, and Jack told her ‘My dad’s going into Djibouti.’ He got suspended for a week!”
Unsurprisingly, China is taking a back-door approach to entering Djibouti as America pulls out, analysts say.
“Clearly Djibouti is too much for America to handle,” Chinese Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokesman Lu Kang wrote in a press release. “China, however, is more than capable of giving Djibouti the proper attention and care it deserves.
Military spouses are also glad that AFRICOM is turning away from the country.
“My husband always used to talk about how he couldn’t wait to get into Djibouti and experience something new,” Army wife Melissa Johnson reported. “I didn’t know a lot about it, but it sounded dangerous. Glad I don’t have to worry about that anymore.”
Update: Peter Cook announced to the Department of Defense press corps that “the South African government has offered us a second basing arrangement in Tietiesbaai, where we plan to stage a motorboat squadron from the Navy.”