The Department of Defense is planning to update the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) following complaints that numerous high profile leaders have gone unpunished or received only minor punishments for offenses such as mishandling classified information, sexual misconduct, or being overweight.

The following articles, which were previously only enforceable by the customary "pulling rank," codify the military's strict enforcement of double standards. The new regulations, which have not yet been made public, were obtained by Duffel Blog and are being published in full:

Article 108.a. Denying the Misuse of Classified Information. All personnel accused of mishandling classified information shall be subject to court martial, unless they deny doing so in mainstream news outlets and meet three of the following criteria:

1. They are in the rank of O-7 or GS-15 and above
2. The only person they shared it with is their mistress
3. Their mistress is hot and looks like she works out
4. They can get to the center of a Tootsie Pop in fewer than three licks
5. Everybody else is doing it anyway, so who cares?