CORONADO, Calif. – A firsthand account of a top-secret operation revealing the true meaning of Christmas has been leaked in a bestselling tell-all carol written by a member of the elite Navy SEALs.
“Officially, we’re denying the allegations in the carol,” said Naval Special Warfare Development Group spokesman Allen Price. “Information found in the carol is classified and was improperly cleared. No matter how affirming or heart-warming this story may be, if you’re singing it outside a SCIF, you’ll be investigated.”
The mission, classified under the name OPERATION SLEIGHER, destroyed a cell of ISIS fighters, made Christmas merry for all Americans, and made the SEALs involved look amazing, the carol reveals.
“No shit. There I was. Up on the housetop,” began Lt. Seth Andrews, OPERATION SLEIGHER commander and author of the tell-all carol. “It was the 11th day of Christmas, and we had orders to end the mission on the 12th day. The pressure was on, and I knew I needed to push through and save Christmas. That ISIS ass-kicking came upon a midnight clear and didn’t stop.”
Every good SEAL tell-all has a good ghostwriter, but rumors abound that the carol had three: the Ghostwriter of Christmas Past, the Ghostwriter of Christmas Present, and the Ghostwriter of Christmas Future.
The following clip was released during a star-studded press conference announcing the carol:
Don we now our tac apparel,
fa la la, fa la la, sat phones, too.
Bomb the souk and clear the stairwell
Fa la la la ISIS, la fuck you
“Christmas, like being a SEAL, can’t be bought,” continued Andrews. “It’s a state of mind — a practice of excellence. After listening to this carol, you’ll be better at Christmas — and life.”
Paramount has optioned the carol for $1.2 million, $8 of which will be given to the Special Forces Warrior Foundation on a large check, which Andrews will pose next to.