Tom Cruise confirms he’ll play pilot of cargo plane hauling rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong in ‘Top Gun 2’

tom cruise

MALIBU, Calif. — Actor Tom Cruise has confirmed that “Top Gun 2” is happening, and he’ll be taking on the role of a cargo plane pilot who hauls rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong, sources confirmed today.

Cruise, who owes his superstardom to his portrayal of hot shot Navy fighter pilot “Maverick” as he trains at the elite “Top Gun” pilot school, says he’s excited to start filming an update to the 1986 blockbuster. Although moviegoers enjoyed the dogfighting scenes and homoerotic beach volleyball matches of the original film, Cruise says his role will be quite different in “Top Gun 2,” which is filming under the codename “Gold Base.”

“The film is going to be great, absolutely fantastic,” Cruise told reporters. “I can’t really give away too many details, but I can tell you that I’m coming back as Maverick and Val [Kilmer] will be back as Iceman.”

According to sources, “Top Gun 2” is set roughly 25 years after the original where we meet “Maverick,” a washed-up former naval aviator who has found work as a cargo pilot for a Chinese toy manufacturer that specializes in novelty poop. As a flashback scene reveals, the career of Cruise’s heroic character Lt. Pete Mitchell ended after he was dismissed from the Navy for his role as a ringleader in the Tailhook scandal of 1991.

After leaving the Navy, he becomes depressed, gaining weight and becoming an alcoholic — though he eventually runs into his former commanding officer, who helps him get a job. “And you asshole, you’re lucky to be here!” the officer tells him in a highly-motivating speech, according to a partially-leaked script.

After meeting up with his old friend “Iceman” on a layover in San Francisco, both former Top Gun competitors take off their shirts for a game of volleyball while scaring away the local children due to their beer bellies and use of profanity.

Then, sources say, a mysterious official from the US Navy shows up, telling both that they are needed for a top secret mission to train the next generation of elite drone pilots. Now back in uniform as Navy O-5s, the pair of former fighter jockeys train America’s best video gamers while also enduring horrifying battles against the Defense Travel System and learning to insert animations and sounds into PowerPoint briefings for the admirals.

Later in the film, Maverick and Iceman both high-five as they say in unison, “I feel the need. The need, for speed!” prompting a Navy Substance Abuse and Rehabilitation Program counselor to confront them over what appears to be a plea for methamphetamines.

“Top Gun 2” is slated to begin filming in 2018, as long as Cruise doesn’t begin work on the 18th iteration of the Mission: Impossible series.

Lieutenant Dan contributed reporting.


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