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Author: Yossarian

Yossarian will finally be able to return home from deployment when he writes enough articles, but the Duffel Blog editors keep increasing his quota whenever he comes close to fulfilling it.
DAMASCUS, Syria — The mystery of Bugs Bunny’s recent disappearance took a troubling turn after ISIS claimed to have taken him hostage, sources confirmed today. The kidnapping of the iconic Hollywood star comes as a major victory for the so-called Islamic State, as Bunny is the most high-profile American to fall into their hands. “Taking […]
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has appointed retired Army Gen. Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf as his new White House Communications Director, sources confirmed today. The appointment follows the dismissal of Anthony Scaramucci earlier this week, whose 10-day stint as communications director was plagued by infighting and media reports showing that he used vulgar and abusive language […]
FORT HOOD, Texas — Behavioral health providers across Fort Hood have reported a “significant increase” in their ability to to fight the complex problem of soldier suicide, after learning about what many are calling “cutting edge tools” during the four hours of “Ask, Care, Escort (ACE)” training yesterday. “One soldier suicide is too many,” said Gen. Mark Milley […]
AL-RAQQAH, Syria — The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) today announced serious financial difficulties for the so-called caliphate. A spokesman for the apocalyptic death worshippers cited crippling costs associated with the Suicide Bomber Group Life Insurance (SBGLI) program. “In retrospect, fifteen goats was probably too generous a benefit to pay out to survivors,” said Mohammad Anwar, […]

Lorax Shot In The Thorax

On January 22, 2016

DAMASCUS, Syria— At the far end of Damascus where blood rivers run red and the streets are all filled with remains of the dead, once lived the Lorax. The Lorax was peaceful, performing his trade. Fr

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