Dick Scuttlebutt is Duffel Blog’s roving food critic. He has degrees in both gastronomy and gastrology from East Dickhole State University. Go Manticores.
A new year is upon us, and soon we will see the rollout of the 2015 MRE menu slate from the good people at the Defense Logistics Agency. Though we foodies here at Duffel Blog look forward to that, for the time being let’s take a look at some of the most popular menus from the last few years.
A soldier places a main meal into an MRE heater, hoping that warming it up will make it better. He's also hoping the roach coach shows up to this damn range, because these fucking things suck.
#5: Chili and Macaroni
Ingredients: Chili and Macaroni; Pound cake; Cheese spread, bacon; Crackers; Candy III; Beverage, carbo electro; Spice, red pepper; Accessory packet A; Spoon; Flameless ration heater; Hot beverage bag.
Like we wouldn’t include this classic, still alive and kicking after all these years. Chili Mac may be the perfect MRE menu (although its cousin Cheese Tortellini is very well-balanced too). The meat in the chili mac is a grab bag of beef, horse, emu, buffalo, ocelot, and Scott Tenorman’s parents. The macaroni noodles are yeasty and require a suspicious amount of chewing. The pound cake is reminiscent of drywall with hints of office chair padding. DIY Gatorade tastes like Mountain Dew and asparagus pee. It provides a quick energy boost, which will allow you to continue jerking off in the porta-john while you peek out at Sgt. Tamzarian doing CrossFit in her sports bra. I like to crumble the crackers into my chili mac and eat it all together. The only big drawback to this menu is the licorice candy, which this critic despises, but you can usually trade them for more crackers to go with your cheese spread.
Why do these assholes have fresh fruit on the table? Don't they know the only thing worth eating in life comes in a sealed brown bag filled with diarrhea-inducing sustenance?
#4: Beef Ravioli
Ingredients: Beef Ravioli; Cheese spread; Wheat snack bread; Corn nuts; Dried fruit; Beverage, carb fortified; Hot sauce; Accessory packet C; Spoon; Flameless ration heater; Hot beverage bag.
These pasta curls resemble the ears of dead gooks my Vietnam vet uncle keeps in a sack in his old footlocker. They taste exactly the same too. (Don’t judge me. Have you ever eaten pho? You know what you’re eating? Ear soup. So climb down off your high horse, asshole.) They contain a beef-like substance which has been infused with the sweat from a Hungarian’s sweatsocks. The corn nuts have a delightful hint of chode. The dried fruit reposes sullenly in your mouth like a flaccid dong, and makes you wonder what kind of nursing-home diaper-wearing idiot thinks dried fruit is appetizing. The roofing-shingle that DLA calls “wheat snack bread” is very useful for plugging bullet holes in your SAPI plates and tests have shown this will actually increase structural integrity. The only downside here is that there are no crackers to accompany the “cheese” spread, so you have to trade with somebody for crackers. Hope you saved some Skittles from lunch.
Gimme that good ol' military goo!