EVERY MILITARY INSTALLATION – Multiple sources have confirmed that your morning has been completely shot to hell. What appeared at first to be a friendly conversation about future goals morphed into a grueling verbal slog that will certainly last until at least lunchtime, as it’s clear the newly promoted 1st Lt. thinks he’s mentoring you.
“This wasn’t an accident,” said SSgt. Brian Conner, who sits at the desk next to you. “[1st Lt. Michael] Raynes scoped out the area last night after I saw him type out an agenda. He even asked me if I knew when [you] were coming in today.”
The premeditated ambush started in the break room as you toasted a pop tart and waited for the coffee maker to piss out what passes for coffee. Raynes made a joke about how they had splurged on Maxwell House, calling it “the good stuff.” Although this did set off the normal red flag that the LT was trying to connect with you, your inadequate caffeine intake slowed your fight-or-flight response.
“Where the hell was [your] wingman, anyway?” asked your supervisor, SSgt. Shelly Ortega, to your coworkers. “This is what happens when we don’t look out for each other.” She then pretended to not notice your predicament since she wasn’t about to lose her morning trying to extract you.
